"It's not all about the money." Oh yeah?

I have been told that in making choices specifically about this current career, it's not just all about the money. Look at the opportunities you could have, the new learnings that you gained that you wouldn't have if you were elsewhere...

BUT, in a world where there are more withdrawals than deposit slips, where stacking credit card bills display grocery (not out-of towns, not fancy restos, but grocery) trips loving a lot of zeroes in it, where an 8.8kg little boy gulps PHP900.00 in a week and pees on a thousand worth of diapers a month, where the same little one shrieks as a PHP5,000.00 vaccine is punctured through his thigh, a world where milestones usually mean looking stoned without sleep even from a mile, a world where your health is assumed to be devoid of any necessary checkups or care, a world where your functions are not necessarily proportional to your designation (and therefore your pay), in a thankless world where your efforts seem to be invisible -- in that kind of world, I hate to admit it but it suddenly becomes all about the money.

Imagine the feeling of having nothing to look forward to but having to leave your child for it? Add to that more feelings of guilt because your duties as a mother is transferred to your own mother who in turn is struggling in her own career because she has to take over what should have been your role? The result of which are more financial challenges for your mother, something you should at least alleviate but cannot because you yourself are struggling? How fair is that?

The funny thing is, all that I'm really ranting about is having what it due us -- in industry standards.

So sue me if I beg to disagree that it's not all about the money. In my world, IT IS.

Spot the Difference

My goodness. Look at the difference.

I’m torn whether to admire or disbelieve the sheer courage or stupidity of the MPD for being in combat without the proper gear.

The Joys of Motherhood

(I have been wanting to write this blog since I gave birth early March, but I have since realized that my planned activities will now be wrapped around my son's little finger. So far, he has been commanding my full strength and attention, barely allowing me to slip back to my previous computer-related life. So now, with a few stolen moments while my son is asleep, I will attempt to write about my upside-down world now-- in a nutshell.)

The beginning...

March 2, 2010. Around 6PM:

"Tok!" I felt something in my tummy. I thought EJ was just playing inside my womb. But, call it instinct or whatever, I felt it was something different. I went to the bathroom and realized, this is it. My waterbag broke!

Me (laughing): Mommy! Pumutok na ata panubigan ko!

Mom (panicking): O DALI! DALI! PUNTA NA TAYO SA OSPITAL!!

Me: (sat down on the toilet to pee.)

Mom (panicking ever more): O BAKIT KA PA UMUUPO JAN??? HALIKA NA SA OSPITAL!

Me (laughing): Easy lng! Easy lng! Naiihi lng ako!

Me calling Jon, who was still in the office:

Me: Ging, pumutok na po panubigan ko...

Jon: HAA???? HAA?????....... O ANO PANO NA SAN NA TAYO MAGKIKITA???

Me: Easy lng hehe, sa ER nlng sa Perps tayo mag-meet ok?

Jon: OK OK AALIS NAKO NGYON!

And the rest was....comedy.

It helps to read a lot during your pregnancy -- what would happen, when it might happen, and what it might feel like. So I felt that I wasn't completely in the dark, since I kinda knew what was going to happen to me, and though my expectation was really of normal delivery, I knew at the back of my head that an emergency Caesarian Section was always a possibility.

So I was basically apprehensive of 3 things:

1. Dextrose, since I have never experienced it (despite countless injections and blood tests)

2. The Epidural since I know it involves a biggie needle and the spine -- and that never sounds good together.

3. The contraction thingies, but since I'm going to have Epidural (see #2), then this could be cancelled out.

Well, the Dextrose and the Epidural turned out to be non-events. They weren't much different than the injections and blood tests I had to go through during my lifetime.

The contractions at 4-5cm were like my normal monthly pains. At 5cm, they gave me epidural already out of standard procedure. At 7-8cm, the first trial dose of epidural was wearing off, and my OB didn't want to give me more, which was ok since it was tolerable... until the 8-9cm, where I was already making "sheeshing" sounds because I was trying to tolerate the pain and at the same time begging to have a teensy weensy dose even just to lessen it. They eventually gave me a partial dose again -- and as I was about to give birth at 10cm, I could still feel the contractions so I was able to push EJ out despite having his cord coiled twice around his neck.

I DID say the rest was comedy, right?

As posted in my Facebook account, here are some quotable quotes during delivery (yes, I was awake and sane the whole time):

"Inhale, exhale... Inhale, exhale... Inhale, exhale..hold it... PUUUUSH!!!! (Counting) 1...2....3...4...5...6...7...8...9..10" (imagine having to push like that for 10 counts!)

"Push para kang nac-CR!" (for 10 counts!!)

In the middle of everything

Me: "Ok ok isipin ko nlng constipated ako!"

Them: "Oo, isipin mo constipated ka!"

"IRIS! Bakit namumula ang mukha mo?? Ang force mo dapat sa pwet, hindi sa mukha! Hindi jan lalabas ang baby mo!"

"Hala lumalabas na litid mo sa leeg... push sa pwet! Sa pwet!"

Me asking my Anaesthesiologist after seeing EJ:

"Doc, baby ko un diba?"

DOC: "Ewan ko sayo, bsta nakita ko lumabas cya jan kanina!"

Hahahahaha!

So at 02:25 a.m. March 03, 2010, Ev Joaquin D. Capistrano was born via Normal Delivery.

And so the saga continues...

The first few days literally turned our worlds upside down. Everything -- our schedules, our sleep, our mealtimes, even our bathroom breaks were erratic. One cry from the little guy sends four adults into a frenzy on what to do -- nappy change? milk? water? burp? cuddle?

I admit that the initial euphoria has passed, and that I have since descended from the cloud 9 of having a successful delivery. I am going through what every new mother is going through -- sleepless nights, sleepless days, hurried meals, back aches from carrying the baby or sleeping on one side facing the baby -- not to mention the post-partum pains in the abdomen, the stitches, the painful lactation. Finding out about my son's G6PD Deficiency almost gave me palpitations -- until I understood that it wasn't really so bad at all. ( side-note: Glucose-6 Phosphate Dehydrogenase or G6PD is an enzyme that helps create red blood cells. Ergo, a deficiency of this means the body can't produce enough RBCs. There's no medicine for this -- he just has to avoid certain food/chemicals/medicines that breakdown RBCs -- otherwise, it leads to hemolytic anemia. It's kind of like a food allergy where there's no permanent cure but if you avoid what's not good for you, then you're okay)

Truthfully, it's hard to maintain the initial euphoria when I can even hardly keep myself awake most of the time. But I know I'm still blessed to have a normal delivery, to have a normal, healthy baby boy, and to have my whole family supporting & helping me the best way they can.

Mommyhood is no easy feat. I've always appreciated everything my mom has done for me, but I find myself having a new found sense of respect & love for my mom who had it waaay harder than what I'm experiencing right now.

And now, cradling my sleeping son with my right and typing this blog with my left (see picture above), I have to get back to the new reality I must face from now on -- that my everything now revolves around my son.

Pre-Natal Photography (and the reason behind it)

Pre-Natal Photography @ 32 weeks.

I am indeed lucky enough to have a husband whose mind is open to my quirks, who lets me express myself infinitely, who never tries to hinder my growth and who never requires me to conform to the stereotypical old school wife who seems to lose her sensuality after marriage. Thank you Jon.

I am also lucky enough to have a guy bestfriend from college, whose passion for photography became apparent during the early years of our corporate life. He took the time and effort to come over and experiment with me. Thank you Kenneth (Bo0tskie).

Likewise, I am also lucky to have a bubbly girl bestfriend from college, who gave me a great journal for my new foray into the world of mommyhood -- Dr. Mom Health Journal and, together with her significant other, graced the photoshoot and became my official "stylist" for the second set of pictures... if "stylist" could be used for someone who throws in weird ideas causing everyone to laugh their insides out. Thank you Tin (Blo0pie).

People may ask, why the fuss of having your pregnant belly photographed? Other people actually pay to have this photoshoot (lucky for me this was pro-bono, hugs to Kenneth), so what is this really for?

It's a form of expression. It's all about capturing the moment of preparing for mommyhood, especially if this is a first pregnancy. Being pregnant is a very special moment in a woman's life, and no one can fault us for wanting to be reminded of it.

It's also a way to make us (moms-to-be) feel good about ourselves. It reminds some of us (like me) that after the aches, pains and sacrifices we have been through, pregnancy is a wonderful thing, and we don't necessarily have to look sick and tired all the time. It gives us a chance to let the pregnancy bring out the beauty inside of us.

During the time of this photoshoot (@ 32 weeks), I have been on House Arrest for several weeks already, and still am as of this posting(@35 weeks). If not for this photoshoot, I would always remember myself as looking big, bloated and tired the whole time. There would be no good memories of the sacrifice that we had to make for our baby -- foregoing my work and salary just to make sure the baby is alright. There would be no concrete symbolism that pregnancy, despite being on House Arrest, is still a wonderful thing.

Of course, as with all other forms of art and expression, this is not for everybody. Not every mom-to-be is compelled to do this, for their own good reasons. Not everyone would have a good impression of us who opt to do this -- some may think we are showing off our pregnancy, or our pregnancy figures, or our skin, which is actually inevitable but is totally beyond the point. Conservatives might remark that young moms-to-be are becoming trashy and inappropriate nowadays. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, as I am entitled to mine as well.

This is something I would definitely look back to when I'm old and wrinkly -- telling my firstborn EJ that "Believe it or not, that was me, while I was having you."

(Hmm... I wonder how he will react to this one. Haha.)

For the other pictures from this set, you may view my multiply site here.

Is there such a thing as a "Wrong Kind of Mother's Love"?

Well, is there?

I guess it's pretty obvious what brought this out. (Does the name Marlene Aguilar ring any bells, or have you been to Pluto and back that you have no idea who she is?)

We have all heard of the centuries-old adage about a mother's love being like no other, a mother's love being unconditional, a mother's love being the best kind of love anyone could hope for, and variations thereof. I dare not challenge the truth behind these words, as I, with all my heart, do believe in all that, especially since I'm soon going to be a mother myself.

But (yes, there's a but somewhere), is there a wrong kind of mother's love? And when does one draw the line between the right kind and the wrong kind?

A mother's natural instinct is to protect her child from harm. If she could only take away the pain, any pain that her beloved child is feeling, she would gladly do so. She would fight for her child no matter what the consequences are for her, she would sacrifice her time, her health, her everything just to do what is best for her child.

Then maybe that's the key. "What is best for her child". Everything she does is what she thinks is best for her child. So even if it hurts to have injections, she would allow it because it's best for her child. Even if it hurts to be reprimanded or disciplined for a wrong doing, she must enforce it because it's best for her child. Even if it hurts to stumble playing football, she allows it to happen because it's good for her child to develop athletic abilities and tolerance. Even if it hurts to be away from each other during college or later, she supports it as long as it's for her child's brighter future.

But hiding your fugitive child and misleading the authorities just so he could escape punishment for taking someone else's life, another mother's child? Is that still justifiable as "Mother's Love"? Hell no. I know that this is not unique to Ms. Aguilar. There are definitely other mothers (other parents, for that matter), in the Philippines or in other parts of the world, who allow or even orchestrate the cover-ups for their children's mistakes. I don't think there's anything wrong about these mothers' unconditional love. I think the problem is with their judgment of right and wrong.

Blinded by what they think is a mother's quest for the self-preservation of her child, coupled with a demented (and therefore selfish) reasoning of what is right or wrong, mothers like Ms. Aguilar close their eyes to the horrific wrongdoing of their child and instead focus on doing what they think is "best" for him -- shielding him from anybody who could hurt him (despite him having killed others, imagine that) and evade the law. It doesn't matter if justice is not served to the victims' families, as long as her beloved son is safe and alright. Boohoo.

The thing is, even if this has been done by other mothers, what disgusts me more this time are the hysterics. Ms. Aguilar, you are SUCH an ACTRESS. Tearfully and oh-so-softly addressing your beloved son in an interview, to surrender? Raising dramatic hell in CCP (or was it PICC?) by, again, tearfully addressing your son and declaring that you are accepting your son's fate? All the while feeling triumphant deep inside, knowing your son is sitting safely at home?

Your son was clearly showing no sign of remorse, for the previous 2004 incident (look at the file videos where he struts around in handcuffs as if he doesn't give a damn) nor for this latest incident (I don't think shooting at NBI agents is actually a sign of remorse now, is it?). It makes us wonder, what kind of mother are you? It was far less dangerous if you had encouraged your son to surrender. But obviously, the plan was to hide him and help him escape. So again, what does that make you both as a mother and as a person? Morals out the window, I guess.

Please just stop the hysterics. Be at your son's side while both of you are facing criminal charges, fine. Be there while he recuperates and while he faces the consequences of his actions. Just stop the lame drama. You are unwittingly giving the term "A Mother's Love" an unwelcome twist.

Oh, and by the way, that is not a Mother's Love, because a real Mother's Love is not a selfish love.