The people who knew me since elementary / highschool have seen my goody-two-shoes phase. I don't confront, because there is usually no need to, because there is usually no conflict. I do not create conflicts, I try to please everybody, I basically just get along smoothly with people around me. My friends often run to me to settle their conflicts with other people, or I try to patch them up on my own. Ever the pacifist. Ms. Congeniality.
Then I grew up, and cynicism started crawling in. I became more outspoken, I started blogging and expressing myself openly. Raising an eyebrow became a habit, and snide remarks became normal. Yeah, that's a mark of growing up. Ha!
Then LIFE finally happened. Dealing with the kind of people I have never dealt with before -- ranging from demanding to pleading clients, arrogant officers and bosses, powerful and influential contacts, etc. Changing industries and careers. Getting married and having a son. Giving up my career and being an OFW's wife. Learning to cope with difficulties on my own here. First time parenthood, and single-parenthood at that. Co-managing a dance studio while taking care of my son. Worrying about what happens to me, my career, my brains, my spunk. All that and no time for blogs, until now.
Sometimes I feel underestimated when some think I am being complacent. Complacency is different from not being able to find suitable options as of the moment. Life decisions are hard because of financial and circumstantial limitations. But it does not leave my mind. Not talking about it all the time does not mean I'm not thinking about it. Sometimes all we can do is wait for the right time, while exploring our options. It is easy to figure out interim solutions but I'm looking beyond the short term. There can be no "bahala na" when my kid's life will be affected.
Sometimes I feel helpless. Sometimes trapped. I feel frustrated that as much as I want to do something to help my family, I can't. Because I can't leave the house, I can't do full-time work, because there's no yaya and there are pending migration options. It's different for people who have the freedom to do everything they can to achieve their goals. They could fail, they could get burnt out, but they know they've done what they can and that they can do it again and even do more. But for me, it's frustrating to be limited in my movements, options, choices. More frustrating when people think I'm not doing anything on purpose. Add cream on top of that when I'm doing my best given my situation but I get bypassed or caught off guard in my own territory. How's that for dessert?
I'm at the crossroads. Criss-effin'-crossed, with confusing signs and conflicting directions.
Now I am learning to stand my ground. Often times it is hard to get my point across, especially if the other side refuses to listen. Sometimes I don't even have the chance to, and all I have to hold on to are my principles and reason. Sometimes it is useless to emphasize my point, because people will still say what they want. So do I let it go, just like I used to? Nope.
I'm not a pacifist anymore.
