Life Unexpected

This day was a day of unexpected happenings. Unexpected errands, unexpected events, unexpected dinner date, unexpected reasons to smile. Some created bad vibes but I'd like to focus on the good ones instead.

Spontaneity is one thing I couldn't afford, because of the people I have to answer to (a.k.a. my parents and my son). I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to experience that tonight, despite what I would have thought was a setback. It was fun to be free for a couple of hours, having ME time and shopping for myself (which I seldom do -- yes, for real) then having dinner and catching up with a dear girlfriend, reminiscing and talking about the past and the present, like two highschool girls on a slumber party. A very interesting and juicy slumber party. LOL.

Thank God for little reasons to smile at the end of the day.

Now I just have to find a way to sleep, after having a double trouble dose of caffeine courtesy of Serenitea's Chocolate Milk Tea drink.

Passion: The thin line between MAKE or BREAK

It is sometimes ironic that the very thing that could make you might also be the Achilles heel that could break you.

Passion in itself, IMO, is neither good nor bad. It is simply the presence of a strong emotion, desire, determination or drive. It is the "For what?", "With what?" and "Then what?" that determines its fate.

Passion for what? That's the premise. It could be for family and loved ones. It could be for a special someone. It could be for a certain skill, or a certain cause. It could be for a job or a dream or an ambition. With what? What do you do about it? I guess this is where the battle of good and evil starts. Do you express your passion through hard work or through cheating? (Do you work hard to cheat just to succeed?) Do you show it through caring or hurting? (Do you care so much that you would hurt another?) Classic and basic: Is is good or bad? Okay, maybe with some gray areas. Lastly, then what? Consequences. What happens next? Is it good or bad for you in the long run? Is it good or bad for the people around you? Again, classic and basic: it good or bad -- period?

The end does not always justify the means. The consequences, however good, does not cancel the wrong decisions made in order to achieve it. Sometimes things work out for the better, some for the worse. Sometimes you have to deal but all the time you have to kneel.

In the throes of fiery passion, when your heart and mind is consumed with loathing and hatred, logical thinking is quite understandably not (yet) an option. But once the flames die down and you find yourself just looking at the ashes, think -- or try to think -- if the consequences are worth it.

Passion is strong. It could make the impossible possible, the unreachable within arm's length, the dreams into reality. Passion is what drives us, what keeps us going, and what makes our lives worthwhile. However, passion for the wrong reasons do not lead to something good. Passion for the right reasons, on the other hand, however imperfect and improbable they may be, has a good chance of working out. Eventually.

Keep it in check. :)

Unpretty

"U know that time when you don't feel pretty, ur face is breaking out, whatever u wear doesn't feel comfy, ur hair has a mind of its own, and your confidence is in an all time low? This is one of those times you need a partner to assure you that you're still pretty, ur hair is fine, u look good and that most of all, you are loved." -- FB Stat Unica Ivah, October 31, 2011

And no, this has nothing to do with an ugly Halloween costume. This is unfortunately real. Bright side -- I have the "Umph" to write even at 1:41am. Down side -- this is real. Haha.

Well I guess we all go through a time when nothing feels happy-yippie-yehey. I am in one. I've been having acidic attacks all week. Me time cancelled. Face breaking out, screaming for a facial. Clothes don't feel right --too hot, too loose, too bare, too casual, too dressy etc. Hair having a lockout, just like the NBA. Confidence tipping low on the scale, together with happy juice, good vibes and positive energy probably because of things happening at the same time -- and they're not exactly good ones. The best I could do is to keep myself busy so I won't feel the funk. Well, it's actually quite effortless since I AM busy especially with major decisions that have to be made soon. The point being, despite being naturally busy, I feel the funk. Not all the time, not every second, but it pops up every time my mind tries to relax. It's this sad, anxious, heavy gut feeling I hate having, which may be the reason why nothing feels right on the outside as well.

I guess what I need, aside from a damn good time with my crazy friends, is the assurance that things are okay and that things are gonna be okay. The assurance of being pretty is primarily just a superficial representation of the need of a support system, a security blanket or an extra padlock to make me feel safe. Yup, even the woman behind the successful man need assurance from time to time too.

And, as I tweeted, it is also amazing how a simple text from an old friend can make me feel better. Just because he cared enough to say good night and let me know he read my stat. I guess you really get to appreciate those unexpected little things especially when the expected things don't happen.

Looking forward to a crazy movie date with friends (after years of not having one). Hoping I would feel "prettier" by then.

Who Am I?

Who am I?

Let me start by defining who I am NOT.

• I am not Superwoman. I get tired, stressed and cranky at the end of the day because I cannot always handle physical and mental stress perfectly. I cannot save the world, neither can I change it.
• I am not Flash. I cannot move at lightning speed. I cannot run from one place to another in a matter of seconds.
• I am not Merlin -- or a female version of him. I cannot predict what will happen and prevent it from happening. 
• I am not Harry Potter -- err -- Hermione, that is. Aside from the fact that I am not that smart, I do not have spells and potions and curses to use to make everything alright.
• I am not psychic. I want to be, and I think I have the potential to develop my mind's sensitivity to reach another level but as of now, no, I cannot read everyone's minds. Ergo, I cannot please everybody.
• I am not a hermit. I cannot stay cooped up in a certain place without any contact with the outside world. Well, except if it is in Calaguas Island or somewhere exotic -- but that's a different story.

Having established my boundaries as a normal person, maybe I can define who I am. In a nutshell.

• I am a woman trying to find her place in the sun. I am moving in a new world, one that is unfortunately ruled by old school movers and shakers. I have left a decade-long life to venture into a new one and I am learning a lot, enjoying a lot, and am grateful -- a lot too. However, I am also stumbling a lot, falling a lot, and doubting a lot. Doubting whether I'll be good enough, efficient enough, sane enough. 
• I am a woman who is also trying to find herself. After a decade of being a yuppie, I am no longer one. So what do I want to do and who do I want to be? 
• I am a new mother. Yes, 19 months is fairly new. I am a mother, but that is not the be all and end all of my existence. The old school point of view dictates that a mother has to give up everything, including her identity, her whole being, to raise her child. I beg to disagree. A mother does not need to lose her identity in order to raise her child. How can someone who does not even know herself succeed in raising a child to be a whole person? Too much of anything is still not a good thing. I believe that a mother has to balance everything -- time for child, family, and herself -- in order to have a good relationship with the people around her.

So, who am I? 

I'm still finding out. I'll let you know.

Isang Bayaran....

"Binabayaran lang naman tayo para sa oras natin, hindi sa kung ano talaga ang kaya nating gawin."

Ganyan daw ang corporate life. Sabi ko, "Sheeet, oo nga ano?!?" Narealize ko na tama, no matter what you do, swelduhan ka eh. Fixed ang bayad sayo, pwera nlng pag mag-overtime ka. Parang kahit na sobrang magpaka-bibo hotdog ka ngyong linggong ito, at sobrang magJuanTamad-tamaran ka sa susunod na linggo, ang ending eh pareho pa rin ang sweldo mo sa kinsenas at katapusan.

Nagbilang ako bigla: almost 9 years pla ako sa corporate world. Konti nlng, isang dekada na. No wonder nagulat ako sa panibagong perspective na ito. May point nga. Kaya pala may iba na mas gugustuhin ung commission basis na type of work kasi yun ang literal na "earnings" -- you earn what you work for. Directly proportional cya. Ang downside lng dito is the unstability of the income because it is dependent on your performance. Palong-palo ka ng bongga dahil sinwerte ka sa clients and/or na-meet mo quota etc pero pag nataon na may calamity or unforeseen circumstance na makaka-hinder sa trabaho mo, wala din nmn kita.

Which is why I really admire the people in that field of work. I should know, my mom is in one. Alam kong sila palagi ung pressured sa sarili nila kasi dependent yung income sa performance. True success in that kind of business lies in the fact that you consider yourself as your biggest competitor. Kasi if you consider yourself as your biggest competitor, you will never be complacent. Walang salitang "petiks". Lagi mo pagbubutihan. And this translates to income.

Kudos to those people who thrive in these kinds of challenges. Mabuhay kayo. Hndi man ako para jan, alam ko ang hirap ng ganyang klaseng trabaho. I guess it just so happened na nakagisnan ko at malamang mas ggustuhin ko pa rin maging isang "bayarang" kinsenas-katapusan. :)

When Nothing Feels Right, Look At The Back of the Closet

As I was dressing up to go out, nothin I wore felt right. Coz everything was in the laundry. Just when I was about to wear blahblah, I saw my old favorite baby tee which I stuffed at the back of my closet (yeah yeah coz it didn't fit me anymore lol). I last used it around 2007, I think. Well, I couldn't resist trying it on. And lo and behold, it fit!! Weeeeee!!!

Well, such is life. There will be times when nothing feels right and you just wanna give up and stare at the ceiling. But maybe we just have to look elsewhere, even in unlikely places, coz we'll never know where we might find an old stash of positive vibes. Maybe someone just might say or do something to make you smile. Or you'll come across something to remind you of reasons to smile. Or you'll realize one of your reasons for smiling is just there, you just have to "see". :))

Up, Up, and Away...Literally

Just for the uniqueness of it, I decided to write a blog from the plane, chronicling my solo flight to Singapore. Of course this would be posted later at the hotel, when I get wifi.

I actually thought that flying solo would be a drag, and that I would be bored and uncomfortable. My previous trips always had fun companions, and there were always things to talk about and stuff to do and pictures to take until we eventually fall asleep. But what do I do when I’m alone? I can’t talk to myself, I definitely can’t take pictures of myself nor could I wiggle around and do whatever. What to do?

Luckily I found out (surprisingly) that I do well alone, despite being a girl (haha I look like one, anyway). I actually enjoyed people watching, something I used to do a lot during my college days. I checked out the shops in the airport (thank goodness NAIA 3 was nice and new). I grabbed a bite alone (thank you Mr. Donut) – something I don’t normally do (I could never get used to eating alone, dunno why). Thanks to free wifi I enjoyed browsing a bit and checking into foursquare and FB. And Twittering a bit too.

Well there was this incident with the immigration that I was particularly not prepared for. The grouchy 40-ish male officer seemed to question why I was going to SG and was asking for proof of my husband’s employment there. And he asked a lot of roundabout questions. Well I was kinda taken aback by it all and I may have not made sense at a certain point but I just gritted my teeth, smiled sweetly and tried to explain as best I can. He eventually stamped my passport. So I muttered a sweet, poison-laced “Thank you”, got my documents, my handcarried luggage and walked inside…. All the while running through the list of profanities in my head.

But all’s well, I’m in the plane high up in the air in one piece. I don’t give a shit what that menopausal (yup he's a guy i know) immigration officer was thinking anymore. I should have remembered that they were strict with women flying alone. Whatever. Times like that I wish I were a guy. LOL.

It’s also my first time to use the loo in an airplane. Heck, it’s my first time to use any loo that wasn’t permanently strapped to the ground. It was kinda weird fixing your pants while being tossed by slight turbulence. Ano ‘to, Maynilad diggings? Butas butas ang daan?

The next test for me is finding my way in Changi airport. That and running one last errand: Buying booze from Duty Free for my friends (they’re priced double outside the airport). I asked Jon what exactly do I buy? He answered, “Absolut vodka, tapos… basta un!” I was like, whaaaaat?! Anong basta? So may this serve as a disclaimer that if I buy the wrong type of booze, guys, it’s because you didn’t tell me what to buy! LOL!

Ooops we’re landing in a bit. In that final descent thing that resembles a downward Ferris Wheel.

Ciaoo!