Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Quarantined Thoughts

People say, "Sometimes, life runs you over".

I think my glitchy matrix misheard it and thought it meant "Life runs over you..." and even added " a 16-wheeler truck on a road rage." Coz that's sure as heck what it felt like.

Letting go of a (more or less) stable life and career to jump into a sea of uncertainties to start life again is not only mentally challenging but also physically draining. Moving out of a house and a country, stopping over your own country and moving to another country across the globe is enough to unhinge a perfectly sane person, to put it quite nicely. But it had to be done. Yep, done it, survived that.

So just when I started getting the hang of things, forming new routines, getting my academic groove back (eew), starting to enjoy having classes and getting to know my classmates....


Totally. Ruined. Vibe.

But I ain't complaining. I do not have the right to, because our frontliners, those in the medical field, those in the essential businesses that have to keep going to provide for our needs... They want to be home but they can't. Every damn day, they have one foot on the grave trying to serve and save people. I can only offer moral support, thoughts and lots of prayers for those risking their lives so we can stay home and live ours.

My friends think I'm okay, my professor thinks I'm funny and always eating, social media friends think I'm just having TikTok fun. What is not privy to everyone is the behind-the-scenes that very few people have backstage passes to. Let's keep it that way.

So my life is, yet again, filled with even more anxiety and uncertainty, as with everyone else's. I find myself looking at it retrospectively --
  "I'm glad I did this, I wish I could have done that..."
...and introspectively --
  "What can I do to make my life more meaningful?"

Well, I'm still figuring it out.


Tuesday, August 13, 2019

That thing called...


I love the movie, but this is not really about the movie. This is simply about "tadhana" -- what is meant to be for you.

I realized in recent years that no matter how hard you try, no matter how many ways you execute it, no matter how many nights you prayed for it, if it's not meant to be, then it won't happen. But then again, there's always a fine line between "not giving up working for what you want" and "recognizing that maybe this is not for you".

So.. how do you know when to keep fighting? How do you know when to give up?

I don't think there's an exact science behind it, but one thing I'm sure of is you have to pray for guidance and discernment.
What I did was I stepped back and acknowledged that I have done what is humanely possible in my limited capacity, and that the rest is up to Him. And if things still do not push through -- then it's not meant for me...yet. Hindi pa nakatadhana.

And as you go through life, you will realize that there are things/experiences you wouldn't have had the chance to have if your "plan" pushed through earlier.

It would help to hold on to the faith that there's always a reason behind everything. There are some things that were not granted to you, probably because He has other plans. However, once you are finally in the same direction as the path He wants you to take, you'll see things unfolding before your own eyes. Of course there will still be anxiety, uncertainty, challenges and questions along the way, but you will see and feel that things are slowly falling into place, and that maybe, finally, you are in the path you are supposed to take, no matter how hard it may seem.

Tadhana. Whatever it may be, wherever it may be, it will surely find its way to you eventually.

Perhaps, I'm getting there.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

How to Temporarily Move out...and Move back in again.

The past couple of months have been grueling, in terms of work and daily life.
It rained and damn poured. May and June have been borderline cruel to me and my stress levels.

Temporarily moving out due to our block's Home Improvement Program is a pain in my sexy ass. Literally and figuratively. When you totally move out of an old place into a new one, the process is straightforward.
You pack everything and put it in the new place and throw away those you don't need. BUT when you just have to move away for a couple of weeks for an unmanned renovation, it's a whole new ballgame.

How To Kill Yourself Slowly Temporarily Move Out and Move Back In Again:


Renovation. Means we have to move everything to one side and cover as much as we can with a dropcloth/plastic to protect it from the dust.

Unmanned renovation. Means no one will look after our things because we're moving out and working and trying to live a normal life. Ergo, everything has to be sorted according to different levels of importance and then secured.


Sorting Level 1. Means we have to pack all our important files, papers, records, gadgets etc and bring it with us in the temporary place.

Sorting Level 2. There are some stuff that should be moved out but we can't lug it around wherever we go. So we gotta look for close friends with extra space where we could leave some of our things.

Sorting Level 3. Some stuff can be left in the house but should be secured in the locked cabinets.

Sorting Level 4. The big stuff, the kitchen stuff, the small stuff that can be left unsecured, just covered from dust.

Temporary Homehunt. Looking for a temporary home within our budget that can accommodate us and our important stuff (around 4 pcs of big luggage and around 10 smaller ones). So blessed to have a colleague who accepts transients in her condo.

Moving into the Temporary Home. We had to hire a Maxicab to fit all our roughly 15+ pcs of luggage. And the Maxicab driver was kinda arguing with us if we were shifting house or not, because shifting house costs more. We said no, because technically, we weren't, right? It is temporary. It's a mandatory staycation. WTF.

Unpacking in the Temporary Home. We're staying for 13 nights. I think we have to unpack and make the room as comfortable as we can, right?

Trying to live a normal life and trying not to think about the packing that has to be done #inDenial.

Packing in the Temporary Home. Yep, it will eventually come to this, again. Sht.

Cleaning our Unit. We couldn't just move right back in. Everything was covered in dust. We had to uncover (hello 2 weeks worth of dust confetti), vacuum, wipe and sweep everything first before bringing our stuff in.

Moving back into our Unit. We wanted to avoid hiring another Maxicab. So Hubby and I made several bus trips from the temporary home to our unit to bring the stuff by batch. So we eventually just had to take a regular cab for the last batch of stuff. It was manageable but exhausting in this heat.

Cleaning Part 2. When we start to move the things from one side, we also had to vacuum everything again. And again. And again. And we haven't even unpacked.

Unpacking. Unpack every damn thing and put them in the same places. Or find more things to throw away. either way, this ain't even totally finished yet.

Gather all the other stuff from our friends' house. Oh, yeah, right. We sorta haven't really gotten our other stuff deposited in our friends' house. We will.... eventually.

Oh, and did I mention that my mom was leaving to go back to the Philippines early morning after we moved back in? So, I should put Packing to Go Back To Phils somewhere in the list too.


And, tonight, when I have already spoken to my mom who is back home safe, when the house started to be livable again, when I have taken several showers in the newly renovated toilet which still smells like paint.... tonight is the only time I can start to let go of the renovation-related stress....

I can finally start to think straight again.

I am still stressed and exhausted and still have a lot of fixing to do, but at least most of it's done, I think. And I am infinitely blessed that my mom was here throughout the ordeal, as she was the mover and shaker of the renovation-related move and I was the brain-fried daughter who just kept thanking the Lord for sending my mom at the right time.

Aaaaand hopefully..... I'm starting to get my brain back. Slowly, but getting there, me thinks.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Don't React...

"More than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that created chaos in my life... Do not react in life. Always respond.... Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of... "

-- The Cockroach Theory for Self-development

Posted 2 years ago. Made me think, yes, makes damn sense. It may not be easy to always try to think logically whenever a situation causes one to lose his temper. But at least let us be aware that after the rants and instinctive violent reactions, we should try to calm the eff down and actually do something sensible about it.

Don't get yourself all riled up and end up doing nothing helpful.

#thinkingOutLoud #justsaying

Sunday, May 17, 2015

I'm not old. I just grew up.

Sometimes, we have to shake things up so it can fall into place.

I have felt my poignant transition from being a yuppie with a kid to being a mother the moment I left the country. Being an only child, that was, I think, the biggest decision I had to make in my life, and for all intents and purposes, the hardest one too.

Freedom to decide and act on my choices was what I was lacking then. I was caged in a situation wherein I was dependent on someone for every aspect of my life because my child was still young and I didn't have a nanny. I was struggling to come to terms with not being able to move on my own, plus the fact that I was a fumbling first-time mother.

But then we moved to a safe country where there are regulated childcare services, and where I could bring my child literally anywhere using public transport, without fearing for our safety. This was it, I had my freedom -- no, not from my child or my responsibilities, but freedom from the limitations that repeatedly pulled me down as I tried to get back up.

I started to grow up and my mindset has changed. Before, I would often dwell on the few wants that I had and how I "had to" deprive myself of them. Now, my wants took the trunk (not just the backseat, lol), and my family's needs took the wheel not because I "had to", but because I wanted to. I had the freedom to do what I had to for my family, I can act on the choices made for my family, and yes, I can do it on my own. Maybe that was what I needed in the first place.

I honestly do not know if some people were surprised that I can actually manage to survive living far away from my parents and having to take care of my own family, but hey, yeah, I can. :)

I'm currently in a balancing act of juggling motherhood, homemaking and career. One always ends up a bit compromised, yes the homemaking part usually lol, but we are surviving the best way we can.

I also realized that maybe it's okay to do some things for myself too, and not feel guilty about it. So I'm starting to put a little more Ivah in my life brimming with EJ & Jon. And I'm excited about it.

I only grew old by a couple of years. But I grew up 10 times. :)

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Rainbow Loom = Crochet + Embroidery of the 21st Century

Now I know why our Grannies were into crocheting and embroidery. Substitute yarns and threads with small rubber bands and BAM! Rainbow Loom! And this is therapeutic. Too bad I couldn't find the crochet hooks I inherited from my Lola. Yep, those metal crochet hooks are being used to create the more intricate loom charms and designs.

My Lola taught me the basics of crocheting, sort of like the fishtail rainbow loom we have right now, but waaaay wayyy smaller. Hmmm. If she were alive, I think she would appreciate rainbow looms as well :)

So, I'm letting myself enjoy this. And props to my hubby for supporting me on this. He loves the bracelets I made, especially the Flower Garden one. But we gotta make sure we do everything in moderation. Like make sure you get schoolwork or housework or work done as well. Which reminds me, yep, gotta split. Places to go, errands to do.

Note: I made these, but they are NOT my designs. Credits to the original designers. I included the links of the videos.

Credits: Shoutout to Creativity4Kids for this Youtube Tutorial.

Shoutout to Rob of @justinstoys for his Spiral Wrap Fishtail design

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

I Thought Education Dictated Breeding?

I thought it did.

That's why it is so sad that people keep proving me wrong. When a close friend told me how people around her can easily judge her through her facebook posts, it got me thinking, oh well, that sounds familiar. Been there -- err still there, actually. But when she proceeded to tell me how those people, who were supposedly professionals, were actually talking about her academic achievements, healthy lifestyle etc like it's a bad thing, I was like, what the f-ck?! Okay that's ridiculously stupid. It disappointed me to be reminded that even people of high educational status, of supposedly well connected background, would stoop so low as to badmouth someone for being good. That's ENVY, people. Old ugly green envy. I truly hope that their supposedly "high level of education" can allow them to eventually understand and realize the absurdity and preposterousness of what they are saying.

So from wanting to literally smack their heads in the hopes of knocking some sense into it -- which may be fruitless considering their narrowmindedness -- I took the high road and actually told my friend to just smile (through gritted teeth LOL) and keep a low profile... And continue to post happy and glamorous stuff on Facebook to make them even more filthy green with envy, so green they might actually give The Hulk a run for his money. LOLOLOL.

 Aaand of course I told her to just focus on her dreams and blessings.

Constructive criticism is different from being a judgemental gossip-monger. Be sure not to cross those lines.