Thank Goodness for my Own World :)

Sometimes it is easy to lose yourself in the real, crazy world.

I have been working since right out of college, I've always been around high-rise buildings and bosses and clients. There were always lunch-outs, dinner dates, Friday night gimmicks. Everyday was a new day, with new people to ride with in the shuttle, with new people to talk to on the phone, with new problems to face in the office, with new interactions with other people. These has been going on for the last (gasp!) 9 years of my life that I didn't know how to live otherwise. Amidst this all, I got married and had a baby. This new world combined with the world as I knew it were spinning their own circles and I had to keep up with both of them for a period of time. Until now.

One of those worlds had to stop spinning. Needless to say, the job had to go. Now I end up with a world totally different from the one I knew. Everything is a new and learning experience. I'm starting from scratch, learning the ropes of mommyhood from  no less than my own mother, plus books and internet on the side. My new boss is even more demanding than my former employers. As they say, there are no overtime pays, the working hours is 24/7, with no option for resignation. I love it, but then again, it is easy to lose yourself in this new world I have chosen to live in.

So then here comes my world. A world I seem to have only recently reclaimed. I'm not even sure if I had it before, but I have it now. It's a small world with a limited time frame (just whenever I'm free) when I can be myself and have choices and options that I don't normally have. There seems to be no time element, there are only good thoughts, good memories, good vibes. I can do what I want, I can feel what I want to feel, I can go wherever I wanna go, I can be whoever I wanna be, even a princess :) It's my refuge, it's my inner strength. Oftentimes it's my reason for smiling amidst the busy reality. It's in my mind, in my heart, and I can take it anywhere with me, anytime. Call it an active imagination, a parallel universe, an astral plane, or whatever.

I call it my Own World. This is ME.

Shortage of Happy Juice

I guess it's been going on for a while...just simmering beyond the surface. Little things that come up, that make me feel inadequate, uncertain, helpless and frustrated, spanning a wide range of aspects. Maybe I think too much, maybe I reflect on myself too much, maybe I analyze too much sometimes. I think I need a job, something or anything that would keep my mind working. Being a thinker has its downside sometimes -- if you have too much time to think, there are a LOT of things you think of and a lot of worries that cross your mind. Trivial things seem to be magnified because you have a think-all-u-can pass in your hands.

Of course I'm in the midst of mommyhood. It's physically demanding and taxing, yes. And I'm glad I get a lot of help with that part. Unfortunately I can't get help with the over-thinking part. I have to do it on my own. I have to try not to worry about things too much, to let go and leave them in God's hands. I have to accept the fact that I need to deal with some things by myself. I have to accept the fact that there are some things that I can only do so much with. I have to accept that there are people who cannot do anything beyond what they have already done, and you can't ask more from them. I have to accept that I have faults, and if people point them out I should not get discouraged or let that get into me.

Is this the career-woman-to-full-time-mom transition phase that other people are talking about? Partly, I think. My mind is craving for something to work on. A project. Something that has results. Because all I'm dealing with right now are tasks with intangible and uncertain endings. And I hate that. I hate uncertainty, I hate not being able to have some control over the possible outcome.  I hate having so much dependencies. I hate not earning on my own, not having my own identity. I'm not used to not having control over my time anymore.

But I don't hate my life. I love it and I know I am blessed. I just have issues, and who doesn't? It's a mark of normalcy, to have issues and have to deal with them.

Just a sec, I'll go get my independence back. And grab a gallon of happy juice on the way.

Clearly, Globe, Customer Service is NOT your Best Asset

Sometimes, even the widest range of cellphone services goes vamoose when you have crappy customer service.

My (new) line got redirected for the 2nd time because of low credit limit whatever. It's okay, I understand that. The first time I settled my payment, I got reconnected pretty easily. To think that I was in the middle of Makati while dictating the payment details to the hotline, I was reconnected within half an hour. Okay.

But this time, it's a different story. Cliffnote's version: I settled the whole amount yesterday and was told to wait 2 hours for reconnection. A couple of hours came and went without progress. Midnight I called their hotline and was told that as per their system, my line was already reconnected and that I should do this reset cycle thingie that involves putting my sim card into another phone so it can refresh. But still to no avail. Today, I had to call their hotline twice just so I could have a decent reply, FINALLY, from their customer rep. In my latest call this evening, after being put on hold for a couple of minutes, the customer rep finally had a new answer: that there was a "disalignment" in their system, that although their system logged that my line was already reconnected, the actual sms and call services where not provided.

Being from the IT field, I understand that. Sometimes, the system gives out a successful feedback but fails to do the job in the background. Sh!t happens, it's okay. My point is, why did it have to take 24 hours for them to see that?!?! Why did it have to take me 3 calls to their hotline just so someone could finally figure out what was wrong?!?! This time a request for the activation of the sms and call services were made, but again I was made to wait (gasp!) 24 effin' HOURS for the activation of the said services. That's 48hrs for something that usually takes less than a couple of hours to do. Why couldn't the earlier customer reps see what was wrong, so the request could have been made earlier and I didn't have to waste a day for something that wasn't even being resolved??????? So I sent an email to Globe. With this complaint plus more. So let's see what happens then.

Tsktsk. This is cramping my style. My cellphone activity has been generously hampered by delayed troubleshooting. Thanks Sun Cellular for being my unlikely savior. I owe you one.

Good Things Come in Small Packages

...So the cliche goes. And I agree.

If we learn to see the small things in life, we would recognize the little puzzles fitting together. Slowly but surely.
If we learn to see the brighter side, our resolve will not be hampered by things not going exactly as we want them to be.
If we learn to see the glass half full, then we'd acknowledge that there are good things everywhere.
If we learn to accept that everything happens in HIS time, then we learn to wait patiently for that time. No shortcuts.
If we learn to appreciate other people's predicament, we also learn to appreciate how lucky we are compared to them.
If we learn to see the small miracles everyday, we would always be thankful for everything.

But hey. I know good vibes are hard to keep up especially in times of frustrations and disappointments. We may generally be cheerful and positive persons but there will always come a time when our happy juice runs out. That's why we have our support system to run to. Our families, friends, our sounding board who'd try and make us see the other side of things. It may not always work in a snap, but at least we know we are not alone. And at the end of the day, there's always HIM to run to. He may not give us the answers we want, but He will always give us something to hold on to.

Just don't let go.

My Bucket List

Allow me to be selfish and create this post devoid of any social, marital nor financial status I may currently have, primarily because this bucket list includes wishes I've had waaay back.

This is a sequel to my previous post about the end of the world that made me think if I even HAD a list of things I wanna do in this lifetime. So I made one. Quite randomly. Warning: Not much analysis done. Here goes:

My Bucket List...

1. Drive my own car. Not an office car, not my either parent's car. Mine.
2. Drive my car on the highway going to someplace for an R&R... with my iPod blaring hiphop/RnB music.
3. Repeat mini-drift in MoA area. This time do it on purpose with longer skid marks.
4. Learn to drift on the multi-level parking.
5. Pimp my car.

(Okay at this point may I clarify that I have not yet even seen Fast 5. All these car and drifting fetishes of mine go years back. The boyish side of me resurfaces. Ok, moving forward....)

6. Continue Tae Kwon Do or learn another Martial Art
7. Continue swimming training.
8. Raise hell on the dancefloor.
9. Raise hell on the dancefloor with a kick-ass partner.
10. Party like there's no tomorrow (preferrably doing Nos. 8 & 9)

11. Kissing on the beach, under the stars.
12. Kissing during the sunset, either on the beach or overlooking the city.
13. Kissing in the rain (oh I got this from one of my girls hahaha)
14. Kissing a pretty girl. Hey, why not? No strings attached :)
15. Kissing in the middle of the woods. Haha.

(Before anybody reacts to these five items on kissing, lemme just reiterate that these include those from waaaay back. But, yeah, I guess they're still applicable. LOL)

16. Tour the Carribean, Bora-Bora, Amanpulo... Those exclusive, exotic tropical paradise islands.
17. Tour Europe.
18. Make snow angels, snowmen, ride the sled, ski the slopes.
19. Sunbathe in a yacht. Off the coast of wherever.
20. Picture perfect in the Eiffel Tower.

21. Live in a mansion, with maids and drivers and cooks. In plural form.
22. Live on the beach, in front of the sea, white sand.
23. Ride a Ducati. In a leather outfit. And capture the moment when I park it, take off my helmet, my hair tumbling down my shoulders and the guys around would think, "Hell, it's a f***ing girl in a f***ing Ducati!" Hahahaha.
24. Have a permanent dragon tattoo on my back. Or maybe a tribal form of my pseudoname.
25. Have a dance studio in my house.


I'm sure there are lots of other things on my bucket list. It may even turn out to be a truckload list. These are just off the top of my head.

I guess what I'm pointing at is that there are lots of things we all wanna do but can't -- because of financial, legal or personal matters. But what counts is that we try to make the most out of the things we CAN do and not let our limitations prevent us from living our lives and being happy, contented and blessed.

End of What?!?!

Okay, so I vaguely read somewhere or vaguely heard someone say May 21 was supposed to be the end of the world according to somebody. Hmmm. Too bad I wasn't informed.

Well, as it is already 1:21am, May 22, I guess it ain't the end yet. Not this time anyway. But what if I truly believed that it would be the end of the world? It got me thinking, what would I have done, assuming I learned it ahead of time? Hmmm....

Would I dare leave my son & parents' side? Would I fetch hubby from abroad and drag him back here? Would I go out and meet up with friends I wanna see and spend time with them? Would I tell everyone I'm sorry (for whatever I have done)? Would I let significant people know just how significant they are to me? Would I try to help everyone I could?

Would I have done the things I've always wanted to do? Would I have done the things I've always wanted to do but can't? Would I have done the things I've secretly been wanting to do? Would I do the things on my bucket list? Wait, do I have a bucket list? (note: make one)

So you see. It CANNOT be the end of the world yesterday. I don't even have the answers to all these questions yet! Sheesh.

Destiny or...Not?

I had an interesting conversation on the beach with a good friend who happens to have a different opinion about destiny. Destiny, according to him, is another word for not having a choice. He thinks that if something in your life is deemed "destined" to be, then no matter what you do, it will happen -- ergo, no choice.

He also said life always has choices. They may not be the choices you want, but they are choices just the same.

I agree with his take on choices. But the destiny part.... I guess the romantic in me would still want to believe in destiny.

I don't think it's about having no choice at all. My feeling is that the choices I make lead to different consequences along the way although ultimately, it's whatever God wants for me that will eventually happen. But because I don't know what that is until it does happen, then I wouldn't think I didn't have a choice, would I? The consequences of my actions along the way are the results of my choices, so I still have choices. Whew. Did that just feel like a merry-go-round or what.

Bottomline, I know I have choices, and I like to believe in destiny because that's what I call the things I cannot explain.

This is Real… This is Me…

…I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be… so that song from Camp Rock goes. 

Some blogger friends told me to take advantage of my blogging skills and advertise products for a fee. Well, there's nothing wrong with that, especially if it does generate some income. But for some reason I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't quite put my finger at the exact reason why I dismissed the idea, until a close friend made me realize why. 

He told me it's because I blog from the heart. 

He said that this blog shows the real me, which is why reading it is like getting to know me. Funny that it was just then that I understood why I couldn't just post something that doesn't have a personal connection with me. This is a personal blog, an extension of myself. (If I would make a business out of a blog I would have to create a third one for it.) I may write under my pseudoname, but it still came from the same heart, the same mind, the same thoughts. Mine. 

So it was just recently that I learned to appreciate why I blog. I guess it came so naturally for me that I kinda forgot why I was doing this and whom I was doing this for. 

Now I remember, and now I know. 

This is me -- Unica Ivah. 

Love Muffin

Okay the title is totally random. It was in yesterday's episode of Phineas and Ferb. Randomness. I guess I really am hung over. Beach hangover. 

You know how alcohol causes hangover the morning after, right? In my case, it's the sound of the sea and feel of the sand that's equally intoxicating. I keep on going back to the warm sand on my feet, the cool water on my body, even the seaweeds snaking on my legs. I keep on remembering the way the sky looked as I floated in seawater. I keep on seeing the grins, shrieks and giggles of my friends as they fooled around. 

And, oh, the sunset. The lovely hue of the sunset, reflecting on the sea. Thank goodness I got some good pictures of it. Something I can always go back to. 

Last but definitely not the least, I would never forget that exhilirating feeling as I walked on the shore that night. Cool sand, cool breeze, loud crashing of the waves, few stars in the sky… the dark horizon barely visible from where I was standing. The deep calming breaths I took, the peace of mind, the serenity, and the wish on the stars. Then I had a very interesting and entertaining conversation with a few close friends which made me ponder more about destiny. 

Hmmm… beach fumes in my head.

Addictive. 

What's With My Shirt?

Note to self: wearing statement shirts = walking pickup line

A guy wearing a shirt (with an acronym on the front) rides the LRT with a friend. Inside, he makes eye contact with a girl passenger, and she comes up to him and asks, "Anong meaning ng shirt mo?" The guy smiles and answers… and probably thanks his lucky stars he picked that shirt to wear. As a bonus effect, the girl smiles sweetly and says goodbye as she exits at her station.

So then the guy wonders, “What’s with my shirt? Is it my shirt?” “Or my smart, bespectacled look?”

“Or is it me?”

Statement shirts are always a conversation starter. Well, at the very least, they are definitely attention grabbers. Which is why plain black or white shirts with one-word adjectives are everywhere right now. It’s like letting people know you in a nutshell – since it is assumed you would only wear something that suits you.

But the shirt is just the icing on the cake. What’s more important is the main dish – YOU.

How you carry yourself is the be-all and end-all of impressions. No matter how nice the icing looks, it’s how the cake tastes that ultimately matters. It’s how you walk, how you stand, how you make eye contact with other people, especially girls. It’s gotta be something like an I’m-not-a-rapist-but-I’m-interested-in-you look that’s not threatening and only mildly assertive. If you’re able to exude this without even thinking (like this guy in the acronym shirt), then expect girls to walk up to you. Ergo, you better get yourself some more of those statement shirts so they’d have no trouble finding a pick-up line. Just think, you’re making lives easier for them hahaha.

So if you ask, “Is it my shirt? Or the one wearing it?”

It’s definitely the one wearing the shirt -- that just happens to have a statement on it. Ikaw na! :D

Me, Sand and Sea

I'm strolling by the shore, breathing the calm scent of the sand and the sea, being soothed by the sound of the waves crashing, mesmerized by the dark horizon. 

And I want to do a voice blog. And this blog. And stay here. Am I weird? My friends wanna talk, i wanna be reflective. 

Well I can only do this once in a while. I want to make the most out of it and capture the moment as best I can. 

I wanna see the stars, however scarce they are. I wanna walk on the sand by the shore and watch if the waves reach my feet. I want to look at the dark horizon and wonder what's out there. I want my hair tossed and ruffled by the cool night breeze. I want to see the sand smoothened by the waves. I wanna watch my friends make "floodways" and wait until the water reaches it. Haha. 

I want to thank God for my life. I want to appreciate what I have in my life. I want to appreciate who I have in my life. 

I want to put my feet up when the waves reach where I am sitting. I want to listen to my friends talk about things that doesnt necessarily make sense. 

I want to do everything and nothing. 

I want to freeze time and let it stay in this moment. 

Karma's a Biatch, Ain't It?

We all reap what we sow. That's why when karma strikes... it hits you full in the face all you can remember is the  whiplash.

It's either you think you're that good or  others are that stupid that they can't see right through you. Newsflash earthling: they read you like a glaring warning sign of toxic waste.

Power is like electricity. You use too much and you burn yourself. Use it for the right reasons and you make lives easier. You are like a power surge. Small bursts of power. Big damage. I hope you remember, power tripping results in short circuits.

It can backfire on you. Karma.

Childhood Memories

A couple of days ago, my childhood friend Migs posted (in FB) something that he used to do when he was a kid. By "kid" I immediately thought it may be the time that we were neighbors and we used to do almost everything together. It ended up being an exchange of reminisces that made me miss the old days.


Sharing our FB comments:

Eva Dueñas Capistrano: U did? I never remembered. Sa bagay, whenever we're together, it's always about toys and making maggie cry. Teehee!
3 hours ago · Like ·  1 person

Miguel Francisco: and getting tadpoles hahaha remember that?
2 hours ago · Like

Miguel Francisco: And I remember this leaf we put in out bubble bottles to make more bubbles? I learned it from you... Alokbati or something?
2 hours ago · Like


Eva Dueñas Capistrano: Eeeeek omg the tadpoles!!! Beside the watertank. The leaf…Uh was it alokbati or gumamela leaf? *memory gap* bsta yeah we did that pra hindi n tyo mnghingi ng tide.. And your ectoplasm. My favorite.
about an hour ago · Like

Miguel Francisco: it was this vine something color violet that I had to go to this hidden way to get to the other street -- hahaha -- childhood adventures. OOOHHH how about this leaf we put wax in then burn and it pops during brownout nights LOL!
about an hour ago · Like


Eva Dueñas Capistrano: yeah yeah the one that looks like onion leaves... thin ones... i think they were weeds... then we burn them with the candles and they sizzle! Oh and the aratellis fruits that you guys eat that I refused to (but I eventually did eat it, once I think) from that house at the end of the street?
about an hour ago · Like

Miguel Francisco: peer pressure ba? LOL!
about an hour ago · Like

Eva Dueñas Capistrano: I think bullying is a more appropriate term. LOL!
about an hour ago · Like

Miguel Francisco: Hahahaha!!! Oh those were the days... Cheers my good longest childhood friend I can remember!
about an hour ago · Like

Eva Dueñas Capistrano: Loveeet! All the best to my first ever childhood friend!!! For life!!
about an hour ago · Like ·  1 person


Looking forward to a reunion of the families! And more reminisces! Cheers!

Rain, I Love You…BUT…

…BUT please don't be in my parade.

Okay, I'm not really referring to Rain the Korean singer/dancer because I do love him, period. No buts.(wistful sigh) I'm referring to the weather. I love rainy and cool weather after weeks of intense, unreasonable heat. But rain is only good for those planning to stay indoors. And I DO NOT intend to stay indoors this weekend. Besides, I can only do this once… in a blue moon. So please… Nix the raining, hold the downpour. If your rival Mr. Sun could make a cameo it would be mucho appreciated.

Walang basagan ng trip ha. Hindi pa huli ang lahat! LOL!

So You Think You Can Dance?

So you think you can dance?

No, not the show. I meant life. Think you can always dance to it?

Nope. Sometimes we miss a beat. Sometimes we can't even get the beat. Other times it seems life is out of sync with us. Why? It's God's design. So we cling to Him, so we learn from Him, so we be reminded that He choreographs everything. No matter what moves we want to do, what turns we choose to take, He is watching over us. 

Then sometimes life is just dandy. We groove to the beat of our chosen music. We (seem to) know the next step to the next stanza. Everything goes as planned. Perhaps because God meant it to be. Unfortunately this lures us into a sense of always being in control, always getting what we want the way we want it. So much so that when the tape runs out, we get lost in the deafening silence and start stumbling around. We often forget that sometimes we have to step back and listen to God's music this time, and not our own. We may not hear it clearly, but we have to believe that it has never stopped playing in our lives.  We have to believe that even if our own music stops, we shouldn't be lost, because we always have His music to listen to, His dance to follow. 

In every step, in every count, there's always a 50/50 chance of stumbling and falling. So if we feel as if we've been stumbling and falling down a lot, bear in mind that there's no other way to go but up. What's important is we don't let the floor block our view. Head up, eyes open, and see the little things unravel before us. We have to try to appreciate what we can see from the bottom, because those may be the ones that can help us go back up. Otherwise, we shall continue to stumble blindly amidst the negativity. 

And as we go back up, let us not forget where we came from -- to keep us grounded. Let us not forget how we stumbled -- so hopefully we won't trip the same way again. Let us not forget the hands that help and the hearts that care -- so we may do the same for others. Let us not forget that there's always His music -- so we don't get lost. 

It's God's choreography, after all. He just lets us freestyle. 

...And They Said Not to Talk to Strangers...

When I was a kid, my mom kept on telling me not to talk to strangers. Up to this day, I almost never do. I'm not in the habit of chatting someone up while falling in line, waiting, riding the bus etc. Which is why in times of my "willing to share ME time", I'd rather have a friend with me -- personally or at least on the phone.

And today was one of those times.

The guy in the DFA window was making small talk. He even wished me goodluck as he handed me my certified document. Maybe he thought I was going to apply for something abroad. Okaaay, so he meant well anyway.

As I was walking (hurriedly) towards my friend's car, this older guy who let me pass by ahead of him in the exit started walking in pace with me, and making small talk too. About how far the exit was from the road, about how high the rates of the travel agencies were, how he'd rather fall in line than pay several more hundreds of pesos.  I said a few short but polite phrases in response, and discreetly slowed down so we wouldn't be walking in sync.

When I was on the bus going home, I was sitting by the window alone at first. Then a group of tattoo covered guys boarded the bus somewhere in Baclaran. The bulkier one, about my age probably, sat down beside me. A while later I noticed that the sun was in his face and he was commenting on it to his friend, so I moved the curtain to cover the window and he said thanks. That was ok. But then later he started to ask me if I was into tattooes. I said yeah but only henna. Then he started making small talk, alternately talking to me and his friends on the opposite side. When the seats in front of us were vacated, I was expecting him to move there since we were cramped, but he (purposely) let his friends move instead, and refused to budge beside me. Okaaay. He was actually nice, inviting me to their event on May 7 (artists' exhibit). They also have a tattoo parlor. He wasn't scary or rude, I think if circumstances were different it would have been interesting talking to him...except when he asked about my age LOL!

I don't know what's with this day. Strangers talking to me. And I had to break the rule and talk to them too.

Did I have a "talk to me" sign on my forehead? *checks my reflection*

Tattooed on My Mind

I got 2 of 'em on my mind. It's been too long since I've seen them, been with them, felt them. Now I can't stop thinking about them -- at night and throughout the day. Is this an obsession?! I call it love.

Their names? Sea and Sand.

It's been 3 years since I've last been on a real beach with the soft sand and the calm sea. Where 2pc bathing suits are a non-issue, where lounging in the sand is the life, where the shoreline beckons those who want to frolick by the sea, where stars are nice to look at while lying on the beach.

I miss this. I need this. Sea and Sand, perhaps a bit of ME time here and there.

They may think any beach would do. It doesn't have to be one of those expensive resorts. Just one with good sand (not gray, muddy, dirty sand) and blue sea (not green or gray).

I understand some people may not understand my need for this kind of calm. However I also know that there are people who do. Maybe the difference is that they get to go anytime whereas I never had that kind of freedom.

For now, I shall continue to fervently wish that I get to see my long lost loves. I am not alone.