Shortage of Happy Juice

I guess it's been going on for a while...just simmering beyond the surface. Little things that come up, that make me feel inadequate, uncertain, helpless and frustrated, spanning a wide range of aspects. Maybe I think too much, maybe I reflect on myself too much, maybe I analyze too much sometimes. I think I need a job, something or anything that would keep my mind working. Being a thinker has its downside sometimes -- if you have too much time to think, there are a LOT of things you think of and a lot of worries that cross your mind. Trivial things seem to be magnified because you have a think-all-u-can pass in your hands.

Of course I'm in the midst of mommyhood. It's physically demanding and taxing, yes. And I'm glad I get a lot of help with that part. Unfortunately I can't get help with the over-thinking part. I have to do it on my own. I have to try not to worry about things too much, to let go and leave them in God's hands. I have to accept the fact that I need to deal with some things by myself. I have to accept the fact that there are some things that I can only do so much with. I have to accept that there are people who cannot do anything beyond what they have already done, and you can't ask more from them. I have to accept that I have faults, and if people point them out I should not get discouraged or let that get into me.

Is this the career-woman-to-full-time-mom transition phase that other people are talking about? Partly, I think. My mind is craving for something to work on. A project. Something that has results. Because all I'm dealing with right now are tasks with intangible and uncertain endings. And I hate that. I hate uncertainty, I hate not being able to have some control over the possible outcome.  I hate having so much dependencies. I hate not earning on my own, not having my own identity. I'm not used to not having control over my time anymore.

But I don't hate my life. I love it and I know I am blessed. I just have issues, and who doesn't? It's a mark of normalcy, to have issues and have to deal with them.

Just a sec, I'll go get my independence back. And grab a gallon of happy juice on the way.