Who's Counting?

"Don't count the things you have done for someone else; count the number of times you felt better simply because you made them smile."

Actually, if you love and care for someone, you shouldn't count at all. You just feel. You should relish the feeling that you were able to make that someone smile. Quit counting, measuring, comparing.... Because once you start, the mental tick marks will never go away.

My Restless Heart -- I Mean Hair

Going to a salon you or your friends have never tried (however known) can be quite scary. Yeah, I learned that yesterday.

To avoid the waiting lines at Bench Fix, I impulsively ventured to go to Regine's, having no idea what to expect from there.

But it was still with mild alarm that I realize that the woman shampooing me was not the usual my-age-shampoo-girl. She was older, like 40's. Okaaay so I started bracing myself for whoever was gonna cut my hair.

Seated on the chair, I looked in horror when another "nanay" type was pushing a cubby going to where I was seated. What even puzzled me was the big bag in the cubby. I was used to parlor cubbies to have trays for the scissors and stuff, not an overnight bag. And her first question made me panic a little,"Anong hairstyle mo? Bob cut?" which is something I've been having as a little kid. Which I absolutely did NOT want to have right now. So I tried to explain.

"Gusto ko po ung hindi mashdo maikli pero hndi conventional, ung hindi pantay pantay.... Ung parang korean." I was avoiding the use of the word "Layered" because I've been having that for a couple of years now. And so she said,

"Ah, so i-le-layered ko lng ung hair mo, pra mgka-body."

I was thinking, oh no. Layered nnmn ba style ko? So I said," Opo, pro hndi pantay." Then she proceeded to chop off my hair. I seriously doubted if she got what I meant, and I was honestly starting to think how much it would cost me to have another haircut in another salon, when I noticed that despite the seemingly haphazard way of chopping my hair off, it was actually turning out different from my usual layered looks. So I told her to leave one side long. I did this with Ystilo and the stylist said it won't look good. This time, nanay simply asked," San side mo gusto?" then I started to smile.

After the blow-dry and the finishing touches, the manangs and nanays there were staring at me like I was some crazy girl, but they did say it was nice. In the end, my nanay stylist actually GOT what I wanted probably because she simply DID what I wanted. Thanks, nanay. Other stylists have a mind of their own and would not heed to your request. And ironically, this is my most asymmetric hairstyle so far, done in the most unlikely type of salon by the most motherly stylist I have ever had. EPIC WIN.

Oh. And the best part:
Receptionist to my nanay stylist: "Ate, si mam kasunod ha." (points to the client after me)
My nanay stylist: "Cge. Ano, gusto ba nya ganituhin ko din cya?" (gesturing to my hurrdo)
Receptionist: (Surprised) "Naku hindi hindi. Conventional lang knya, hindi cya creation."

CREATION?! Haha!

2011: The Bipolar Year

From being buried deep into corporate-IT-world-politics to being isolated at home mommyhooding to being an OFW's wife.

From being "I am a document specialist and I have no life" to regaining my passion for dancing and being part of a dance studio.

From finding Twitter and FB a burden, to clinging onto them for dear life, as they are my only connection to the outside world.

From losing my mood to blog, to blogging more than 10 entries in a month (but due to my busy schedule, it hasn't happened again).

From changing my wardrobe one size bigger to changing back to my previous pre-wedding clothes.

From someone who can't get out of the house, to 7 days of loitering and mall-hopping in a foreign place.

From sleeping in a queen sized bed to sleeping in a playpen.

From dealing with loads of documents and files, to dealing with loads of laundry.

From reading a book in a day, to not even having the chance to open the plastic cover after months of buying one. (I'm sorry, Dan Brown. I'll get to read you someday. Just stay snug and sealed for the meantime.)

From moving in a corporate world, to drowning into mommy-world, to finding my own world.

Me as a career mom, Me as a mom, Me as ME.

Life Unexpected

This day was a day of unexpected happenings. Unexpected errands, unexpected events, unexpected dinner date, unexpected reasons to smile. Some created bad vibes but I'd like to focus on the good ones instead.

Spontaneity is one thing I couldn't afford, because of the people I have to answer to (a.k.a. my parents and my son). I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to experience that tonight, despite what I would have thought was a setback. It was fun to be free for a couple of hours, having ME time and shopping for myself (which I seldom do -- yes, for real) then having dinner and catching up with a dear girlfriend, reminiscing and talking about the past and the present, like two highschool girls on a slumber party. A very interesting and juicy slumber party. LOL.

Thank God for little reasons to smile at the end of the day.

Now I just have to find a way to sleep, after having a double trouble dose of caffeine courtesy of Serenitea's Chocolate Milk Tea drink.

Passion: The thin line between MAKE or BREAK

It is sometimes ironic that the very thing that could make you might also be the Achilles heel that could break you.

Passion in itself, IMO, is neither good nor bad. It is simply the presence of a strong emotion, desire, determination or drive. It is the "For what?", "With what?" and "Then what?" that determines its fate.

Passion for what? That's the premise. It could be for family and loved ones. It could be for a special someone. It could be for a certain skill, or a certain cause. It could be for a job or a dream or an ambition. With what? What do you do about it? I guess this is where the battle of good and evil starts. Do you express your passion through hard work or through cheating? (Do you work hard to cheat just to succeed?) Do you show it through caring or hurting? (Do you care so much that you would hurt another?) Classic and basic: Is is good or bad? Okay, maybe with some gray areas. Lastly, then what? Consequences. What happens next? Is it good or bad for you in the long run? Is it good or bad for the people around you? Again, classic and basic: it good or bad -- period?

The end does not always justify the means. The consequences, however good, does not cancel the wrong decisions made in order to achieve it. Sometimes things work out for the better, some for the worse. Sometimes you have to deal but all the time you have to kneel.

In the throes of fiery passion, when your heart and mind is consumed with loathing and hatred, logical thinking is quite understandably not (yet) an option. But once the flames die down and you find yourself just looking at the ashes, think -- or try to think -- if the consequences are worth it.

Passion is strong. It could make the impossible possible, the unreachable within arm's length, the dreams into reality. Passion is what drives us, what keeps us going, and what makes our lives worthwhile. However, passion for the wrong reasons do not lead to something good. Passion for the right reasons, on the other hand, however imperfect and improbable they may be, has a good chance of working out. Eventually.

Keep it in check. :)

Unpretty

"U know that time when you don't feel pretty, ur face is breaking out, whatever u wear doesn't feel comfy, ur hair has a mind of its own, and your confidence is in an all time low? This is one of those times you need a partner to assure you that you're still pretty, ur hair is fine, u look good and that most of all, you are loved." -- FB Stat Unica Ivah, October 31, 2011

And no, this has nothing to do with an ugly Halloween costume. This is unfortunately real. Bright side -- I have the "Umph" to write even at 1:41am. Down side -- this is real. Haha.

Well I guess we all go through a time when nothing feels happy-yippie-yehey. I am in one. I've been having acidic attacks all week. Me time cancelled. Face breaking out, screaming for a facial. Clothes don't feel right --too hot, too loose, too bare, too casual, too dressy etc. Hair having a lockout, just like the NBA. Confidence tipping low on the scale, together with happy juice, good vibes and positive energy probably because of things happening at the same time -- and they're not exactly good ones. The best I could do is to keep myself busy so I won't feel the funk. Well, it's actually quite effortless since I AM busy especially with major decisions that have to be made soon. The point being, despite being naturally busy, I feel the funk. Not all the time, not every second, but it pops up every time my mind tries to relax. It's this sad, anxious, heavy gut feeling I hate having, which may be the reason why nothing feels right on the outside as well.

I guess what I need, aside from a damn good time with my crazy friends, is the assurance that things are okay and that things are gonna be okay. The assurance of being pretty is primarily just a superficial representation of the need of a support system, a security blanket or an extra padlock to make me feel safe. Yup, even the woman behind the successful man need assurance from time to time too.

And, as I tweeted, it is also amazing how a simple text from an old friend can make me feel better. Just because he cared enough to say good night and let me know he read my stat. I guess you really get to appreciate those unexpected little things especially when the expected things don't happen.

Looking forward to a crazy movie date with friends (after years of not having one). Hoping I would feel "prettier" by then.

Who Am I?

Who am I?

Let me start by defining who I am NOT.

• I am not Superwoman. I get tired, stressed and cranky at the end of the day because I cannot always handle physical and mental stress perfectly. I cannot save the world, neither can I change it.
• I am not Flash. I cannot move at lightning speed. I cannot run from one place to another in a matter of seconds.
• I am not Merlin -- or a female version of him. I cannot predict what will happen and prevent it from happening. 
• I am not Harry Potter -- err -- Hermione, that is. Aside from the fact that I am not that smart, I do not have spells and potions and curses to use to make everything alright.
• I am not psychic. I want to be, and I think I have the potential to develop my mind's sensitivity to reach another level but as of now, no, I cannot read everyone's minds. Ergo, I cannot please everybody.
• I am not a hermit. I cannot stay cooped up in a certain place without any contact with the outside world. Well, except if it is in Calaguas Island or somewhere exotic -- but that's a different story.

Having established my boundaries as a normal person, maybe I can define who I am. In a nutshell.

• I am a woman trying to find her place in the sun. I am moving in a new world, one that is unfortunately ruled by old school movers and shakers. I have left a decade-long life to venture into a new one and I am learning a lot, enjoying a lot, and am grateful -- a lot too. However, I am also stumbling a lot, falling a lot, and doubting a lot. Doubting whether I'll be good enough, efficient enough, sane enough. 
• I am a woman who is also trying to find herself. After a decade of being a yuppie, I am no longer one. So what do I want to do and who do I want to be? 
• I am a new mother. Yes, 19 months is fairly new. I am a mother, but that is not the be all and end all of my existence. The old school point of view dictates that a mother has to give up everything, including her identity, her whole being, to raise her child. I beg to disagree. A mother does not need to lose her identity in order to raise her child. How can someone who does not even know herself succeed in raising a child to be a whole person? Too much of anything is still not a good thing. I believe that a mother has to balance everything -- time for child, family, and herself -- in order to have a good relationship with the people around her.

So, who am I? 

I'm still finding out. I'll let you know.