I'm not old. I just grew up.

Sometimes, we have to shake things up so it can fall into place.

I have felt my poignant transition from being a yuppie with a kid to being a mother the moment I left the country. Being an only child, that was, I think, the biggest decision I had to make in my life, and for all intents and purposes, the hardest one too.

Freedom to decide and act on my choices was what I was lacking then. I was caged in a situation wherein I was dependent on someone for every aspect of my life because my child was still young and I didn't have a nanny. I was struggling to come to terms with not being able to move on my own, plus the fact that I was a fumbling first-time mother.

But then we moved to a safe country where there are regulated childcare services, and where I could bring my child literally anywhere using public transport, without fearing for our safety. This was it, I had my freedom -- no, not from my child or my responsibilities, but freedom from the limitations that repeatedly pulled me down as I tried to get back up.

I started to grow up and my mindset has changed. Before, I would often dwell on the few wants that I had and how I "had to" deprive myself of them. Now, my wants took the trunk (not just the backseat, lol), and my family's needs took the wheel not because I "had to", but because I wanted to. I had the freedom to do what I had to for my family, I can act on the choices made for my family, and yes, I can do it on my own. Maybe that was what I needed in the first place.

I honestly do not know if some people were surprised that I can actually manage to survive living far away from my parents and having to take care of my own family, but hey, yeah, I can. :)

I'm currently in a balancing act of juggling motherhood, homemaking and career. One always ends up a bit compromised, yes the homemaking part usually lol, but we are surviving the best way we can.

I also realized that maybe it's okay to do some things for myself too, and not feel guilty about it. So I'm starting to put a little more Ivah in my life brimming with EJ & Jon. And I'm excited about it.

I only grew old by a couple of years. But I grew up 10 times. :)

Rainbow Loom = Crochet + Embroidery of the 21st Century

Now I know why our Grannies were into crocheting and embroidery. Substitute yarns and threads with small rubber bands and BAM! Rainbow Loom! And this is therapeutic. Too bad I couldn't find the crochet hooks I inherited from my Lola. Yep, those metal crochet hooks are being used to create the more intricate loom charms and designs.

My Lola taught me the basics of crocheting, sort of like the fishtail rainbow loom we have right now, but waaaay wayyy smaller. Hmmm. If she were alive, I think she would appreciate rainbow looms as well :)

So, I'm letting myself enjoy this. And props to my hubby for supporting me on this. He loves the bracelets I made, especially the Flower Garden one. But we gotta make sure we do everything in moderation. Like make sure you get schoolwork or housework or work done as well. Which reminds me, yep, gotta split. Places to go, errands to do.

Note: I made these, but they are NOT my designs. Credits to the original designers. I included the links of the videos.

Credits: Shoutout to Creativity4Kids for this Youtube Tutorial.

Click here to watch the Tutorial Video

Shoutout to Rob of @justinstoys for his Spiral Wrap Fishtail design

 Click here to watch the Tutorial Video

I Thought Education Dictated Breeding?

I thought it did.

That's why it is so sad that people keep proving me wrong. When a close friend told me how people around her can easily judge her through her facebook posts, it got me thinking, oh well, that sounds familiar. Been there -- err still there, actually. But when she proceeded to tell me how those people, who were supposedly professionals, were actually talking about her academic achievements, healthy lifestyle etc like it's a bad thing, I was like, what the f-ck?! Okay that's ridiculously stupid. It disappointed me to be reminded that even people of high educational status, of supposedly well connected background, would stoop so low as to badmouth someone for being good. That's ENVY, people. Old ugly green envy. I truly hope that their supposedly "high level of education" can allow them to eventually understand and realize the absurdity and preposterousness of what they are saying.

So from wanting to literally smack their heads in the hopes of knocking some sense into it -- which may be fruitless considering their narrowmindedness -- I took the high road and actually told my friend to just smile (through gritted teeth LOL) and keep a low profile... And continue to post happy and glamorous stuff on Facebook to make them even more filthy green with envy, so green they might actually give The Hulk a run for his money. LOLOLOL.

 Aaand of course I told her to just focus on her dreams and blessings.

Constructive criticism is different from being a judgemental gossip-monger. Be sure not to cross those lines.


 

Piss Me Off and I (Micro) Blog About It

Times have changed. I used to express my thoughts at length through blogs, or poems even. But the past couple of years did not allow for leisurely putting my feelings into words through a blog. I have since learned to say it in a few sentences, usually just through FB statuses. (Micro blogging sucked me in and cramped my damn style.) And more recently, I have learned to express it through bitch-fit memes. Photo quotes that bite. Well, they usually do.

The people who knew me since elementary / highschool have seen my goody-two-shoes phase. I don't confront, because there is usually no need to, because there is usually no conflict. I do not create conflicts, I try to please everybody, I basically  just get along smoothly with people around me. My friends often run to me to settle their conflicts with other people, or I try to patch them up on my own. Ever the pacifist. Ms. Congeniality.

Then I grew up, and cynicism started crawling in. I became more outspoken, I started blogging and expressing myself openly. Raising an eyebrow became a habit, and snide remarks became normal. Yeah, that's a mark of growing up. Ha!

Then LIFE finally happened. Dealing with the kind of people I have never dealt with before -- ranging from demanding to pleading clients, arrogant officers and bosses, powerful and influential contacts, etc. Changing industries and careers. Getting married and having a son. Giving up my career and being an OFW's wife. Learning to cope with difficulties on my own here. First time parenthood, and single-parenthood at that. Co-managing a dance studio while taking care of my son. Worrying about what happens to me, my career, my brains, my spunk. All that and no time for blogs, until now.

Sometimes I feel underestimated when some think I am being complacent. Complacency is different from not being able to find suitable options as of the moment. Life decisions are hard because of financial and circumstantial limitations. But it does not leave my mind. Not talking about it all the time does not mean I'm not thinking about it. Sometimes all we can do is wait for the right time, while exploring our options. It is easy to figure out interim solutions but I'm looking beyond the short term. There can be no "bahala na" when my kid's life will be affected.

Sometimes I feel helpless. Sometimes trapped. I feel frustrated that as much as I want to do something to help my family, I can't. Because I can't leave the house, I can't do full-time work, because there's no yaya and there are pending migration options. It's different for people who have the freedom to do everything they can to achieve their goals. They could fail, they could get burnt out, but they know they've done what they can and that they can do it again and even do more. But for me, it's frustrating to be limited in my movements, options, choices. More frustrating when people think I'm not doing anything on purpose. Add cream on top of that when I'm doing my best given my situation but I get bypassed or caught off guard in my own territory. How's that for dessert?

I'm at the crossroads. Criss-effin'-crossed, with confusing signs and conflicting directions. 

Now I am learning to stand my ground. Often times it is hard to get my point across, especially if the other side refuses to listen. Sometimes I don't even have the chance to, and all I have to hold on to are my principles and reason. Sometimes it is useless to emphasize my point, because people will still say what they want. So do I let it go, just like I used to? Nope.

I'm not a pacifist anymore.

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

I am generally a positive person. If one asks me that famous question "What is your greatest regret in life?", I would say nothing major-major in my most beauty-pageant-esque manner. Nothing major, but I didn't say there was none at all. I do have a few shoulda-woulda-coulda moments that sometimes make me wonder, what if?

Should've danced (really danced) when I could (as in really could)
Should've travelled (really far like out of asia) while my money was still mine (as in just mine)
Should've entered law school (yep, really) while I had the chance (sucks that I lacked social science units because I had a techncal course)
Should've pursued that ethical hacking course (almost did) if only there was a chance I'd be working for Interpol (seriously, where would I use it here? Even the tuition for the course is in USD. Ergo, no Philippine market just yet.)
Should've tried being a part-time barista (missing my barista friends) while taking short courses in (insert name of rival school here. Sorry.)
Should've tried renting an apartment with friends (wait... I did) that is NOT for thesis purposes (oh. Right.)
.....and lots of other stuff buried in my subconscious.

But then again, if any of these happened especially for the long term, maybe I wouldn't be having the life I have right now.

I love my life -- for the most part (haha) so I guess that's enough to justify why these things didn't happen.

Trivial should'ves, wondering if I would've if I could've. Something to ponder on.

What goes up.... Doesn't stay there

It's called "gravity" in science. But sometimes it's just called "Life".

Have you ever noticed those times when everything is smooth and under your control, then a series of events happen the effs everything up? It's those times that I feel scared to be very happy again because I start to wonder what the consequence of it might be. But life's too short to be scared to be happy. Whatever the consequence is, it's gonna happen anyway. So might as well be happy, right? Well, easier said than done.

I'm generally a very positive person. But I also have off-days (when I'm hormonally imbalanced haha) when I find myself being realistic. What goes up doesn't stay there. There will always be pitfalls in life. Bumps that need to be endured, with bruises to show for it. But the important thing is how you live your life while you're up there. Do you go all YOLO and wild and free? Or do you live wisely, prepared in case you fall down? Similarly, how do you live when you're down there? Do you go down for the count or refuse to stop getting back up?

People who have experienced how it sucks to fall down appreciate the feeling of going back on top even more. It's sweeter. More meaningful. And when their road gets bumpy? They know how to deal with it, and things eventually return to normal. It's a cycle we all experience, some probably more often than others. We just have to pick up things to learn on the way, so we don't make the same mistakes again.

Through it all, what is important is a strong support system. One that keeps you grounded while you're up there and lifts you up -- may it be by the collar, by the hair, by the leg, or whatever means necessary -- while you're down there. 

Who's Counting?

"Don't count the things you have done for someone else; count the number of times you felt better simply because you made them smile."

Actually, if you love and care for someone, you shouldn't count at all. You just feel. You should relish the feeling that you were able to make that someone smile. Quit counting, measuring, comparing.... Because once you start, the mental tick marks will never go away.