Life Unexpected

This day was a day of unexpected happenings. Unexpected errands, unexpected events, unexpected dinner date, unexpected reasons to smile. Some created bad vibes but I'd like to focus on the good ones instead.

Spontaneity is one thing I couldn't afford, because of the people I have to answer to (a.k.a. my parents and my son). I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to experience that tonight, despite what I would have thought was a setback. It was fun to be free for a couple of hours, having ME time and shopping for myself (which I seldom do -- yes, for real) then having dinner and catching up with a dear girlfriend, reminiscing and talking about the past and the present, like two highschool girls on a slumber party. A very interesting and juicy slumber party. LOL.

Thank God for little reasons to smile at the end of the day.

Now I just have to find a way to sleep, after having a double trouble dose of caffeine courtesy of Serenitea's Chocolate Milk Tea drink.

Passion: The thin line between MAKE or BREAK

It is sometimes ironic that the very thing that could make you might also be the Achilles heel that could break you.

Passion in itself, IMO, is neither good nor bad. It is simply the presence of a strong emotion, desire, determination or drive. It is the "For what?", "With what?" and "Then what?" that determines its fate.

Passion for what? That's the premise. It could be for family and loved ones. It could be for a special someone. It could be for a certain skill, or a certain cause. It could be for a job or a dream or an ambition. With what? What do you do about it? I guess this is where the battle of good and evil starts. Do you express your passion through hard work or through cheating? (Do you work hard to cheat just to succeed?) Do you show it through caring or hurting? (Do you care so much that you would hurt another?) Classic and basic: Is is good or bad? Okay, maybe with some gray areas. Lastly, then what? Consequences. What happens next? Is it good or bad for you in the long run? Is it good or bad for the people around you? Again, classic and basic: it good or bad -- period?

The end does not always justify the means. The consequences, however good, does not cancel the wrong decisions made in order to achieve it. Sometimes things work out for the better, some for the worse. Sometimes you have to deal but all the time you have to kneel.

In the throes of fiery passion, when your heart and mind is consumed with loathing and hatred, logical thinking is quite understandably not (yet) an option. But once the flames die down and you find yourself just looking at the ashes, think -- or try to think -- if the consequences are worth it.

Passion is strong. It could make the impossible possible, the unreachable within arm's length, the dreams into reality. Passion is what drives us, what keeps us going, and what makes our lives worthwhile. However, passion for the wrong reasons do not lead to something good. Passion for the right reasons, on the other hand, however imperfect and improbable they may be, has a good chance of working out. Eventually.

Keep it in check. :)

Unpretty

"U know that time when you don't feel pretty, ur face is breaking out, whatever u wear doesn't feel comfy, ur hair has a mind of its own, and your confidence is in an all time low? This is one of those times you need a partner to assure you that you're still pretty, ur hair is fine, u look good and that most of all, you are loved." -- FB Stat Unica Ivah, October 31, 2011

And no, this has nothing to do with an ugly Halloween costume. This is unfortunately real. Bright side -- I have the "Umph" to write even at 1:41am. Down side -- this is real. Haha.

Well I guess we all go through a time when nothing feels happy-yippie-yehey. I am in one. I've been having acidic attacks all week. Me time cancelled. Face breaking out, screaming for a facial. Clothes don't feel right --too hot, too loose, too bare, too casual, too dressy etc. Hair having a lockout, just like the NBA. Confidence tipping low on the scale, together with happy juice, good vibes and positive energy probably because of things happening at the same time -- and they're not exactly good ones. The best I could do is to keep myself busy so I won't feel the funk. Well, it's actually quite effortless since I AM busy especially with major decisions that have to be made soon. The point being, despite being naturally busy, I feel the funk. Not all the time, not every second, but it pops up every time my mind tries to relax. It's this sad, anxious, heavy gut feeling I hate having, which may be the reason why nothing feels right on the outside as well.

I guess what I need, aside from a damn good time with my crazy friends, is the assurance that things are okay and that things are gonna be okay. The assurance of being pretty is primarily just a superficial representation of the need of a support system, a security blanket or an extra padlock to make me feel safe. Yup, even the woman behind the successful man need assurance from time to time too.

And, as I tweeted, it is also amazing how a simple text from an old friend can make me feel better. Just because he cared enough to say good night and let me know he read my stat. I guess you really get to appreciate those unexpected little things especially when the expected things don't happen.

Looking forward to a crazy movie date with friends (after years of not having one). Hoping I would feel "prettier" by then.

Who Am I?

Who am I?

Let me start by defining who I am NOT.

• I am not Superwoman. I get tired, stressed and cranky at the end of the day because I cannot always handle physical and mental stress perfectly. I cannot save the world, neither can I change it.
• I am not Flash. I cannot move at lightning speed. I cannot run from one place to another in a matter of seconds.
• I am not Merlin -- or a female version of him. I cannot predict what will happen and prevent it from happening. 
• I am not Harry Potter -- err -- Hermione, that is. Aside from the fact that I am not that smart, I do not have spells and potions and curses to use to make everything alright.
• I am not psychic. I want to be, and I think I have the potential to develop my mind's sensitivity to reach another level but as of now, no, I cannot read everyone's minds. Ergo, I cannot please everybody.
• I am not a hermit. I cannot stay cooped up in a certain place without any contact with the outside world. Well, except if it is in Calaguas Island or somewhere exotic -- but that's a different story.

Having established my boundaries as a normal person, maybe I can define who I am. In a nutshell.

• I am a woman trying to find her place in the sun. I am moving in a new world, one that is unfortunately ruled by old school movers and shakers. I have left a decade-long life to venture into a new one and I am learning a lot, enjoying a lot, and am grateful -- a lot too. However, I am also stumbling a lot, falling a lot, and doubting a lot. Doubting whether I'll be good enough, efficient enough, sane enough. 
• I am a woman who is also trying to find herself. After a decade of being a yuppie, I am no longer one. So what do I want to do and who do I want to be? 
• I am a new mother. Yes, 19 months is fairly new. I am a mother, but that is not the be all and end all of my existence. The old school point of view dictates that a mother has to give up everything, including her identity, her whole being, to raise her child. I beg to disagree. A mother does not need to lose her identity in order to raise her child. How can someone who does not even know herself succeed in raising a child to be a whole person? Too much of anything is still not a good thing. I believe that a mother has to balance everything -- time for child, family, and herself -- in order to have a good relationship with the people around her.

So, who am I? 

I'm still finding out. I'll let you know.

Isang Bayaran....

"Binabayaran lang naman tayo para sa oras natin, hindi sa kung ano talaga ang kaya nating gawin."

Ganyan daw ang corporate life. Sabi ko, "Sheeet, oo nga ano?!?" Narealize ko na tama, no matter what you do, swelduhan ka eh. Fixed ang bayad sayo, pwera nlng pag mag-overtime ka. Parang kahit na sobrang magpaka-bibo hotdog ka ngyong linggong ito, at sobrang magJuanTamad-tamaran ka sa susunod na linggo, ang ending eh pareho pa rin ang sweldo mo sa kinsenas at katapusan.

Nagbilang ako bigla: almost 9 years pla ako sa corporate world. Konti nlng, isang dekada na. No wonder nagulat ako sa panibagong perspective na ito. May point nga. Kaya pala may iba na mas gugustuhin ung commission basis na type of work kasi yun ang literal na "earnings" -- you earn what you work for. Directly proportional cya. Ang downside lng dito is the unstability of the income because it is dependent on your performance. Palong-palo ka ng bongga dahil sinwerte ka sa clients and/or na-meet mo quota etc pero pag nataon na may calamity or unforeseen circumstance na makaka-hinder sa trabaho mo, wala din nmn kita.

Which is why I really admire the people in that field of work. I should know, my mom is in one. Alam kong sila palagi ung pressured sa sarili nila kasi dependent yung income sa performance. True success in that kind of business lies in the fact that you consider yourself as your biggest competitor. Kasi if you consider yourself as your biggest competitor, you will never be complacent. Walang salitang "petiks". Lagi mo pagbubutihan. And this translates to income.

Kudos to those people who thrive in these kinds of challenges. Mabuhay kayo. Hndi man ako para jan, alam ko ang hirap ng ganyang klaseng trabaho. I guess it just so happened na nakagisnan ko at malamang mas ggustuhin ko pa rin maging isang "bayarang" kinsenas-katapusan. :)

When Nothing Feels Right, Look At The Back of the Closet

As I was dressing up to go out, nothin I wore felt right. Coz everything was in the laundry. Just when I was about to wear blahblah, I saw my old favorite baby tee which I stuffed at the back of my closet (yeah yeah coz it didn't fit me anymore lol). I last used it around 2007, I think. Well, I couldn't resist trying it on. And lo and behold, it fit!! Weeeeee!!!

Well, such is life. There will be times when nothing feels right and you just wanna give up and stare at the ceiling. But maybe we just have to look elsewhere, even in unlikely places, coz we'll never know where we might find an old stash of positive vibes. Maybe someone just might say or do something to make you smile. Or you'll come across something to remind you of reasons to smile. Or you'll realize one of your reasons for smiling is just there, you just have to "see". :))

Up, Up, and Away...Literally

Just for the uniqueness of it, I decided to write a blog from the plane, chronicling my solo flight to Singapore. Of course this would be posted later at the hotel, when I get wifi.

I actually thought that flying solo would be a drag, and that I would be bored and uncomfortable. My previous trips always had fun companions, and there were always things to talk about and stuff to do and pictures to take until we eventually fall asleep. But what do I do when I’m alone? I can’t talk to myself, I definitely can’t take pictures of myself nor could I wiggle around and do whatever. What to do?

Luckily I found out (surprisingly) that I do well alone, despite being a girl (haha I look like one, anyway). I actually enjoyed people watching, something I used to do a lot during my college days. I checked out the shops in the airport (thank goodness NAIA 3 was nice and new). I grabbed a bite alone (thank you Mr. Donut) – something I don’t normally do (I could never get used to eating alone, dunno why). Thanks to free wifi I enjoyed browsing a bit and checking into foursquare and FB. And Twittering a bit too.

Well there was this incident with the immigration that I was particularly not prepared for. The grouchy 40-ish male officer seemed to question why I was going to SG and was asking for proof of my husband’s employment there. And he asked a lot of roundabout questions. Well I was kinda taken aback by it all and I may have not made sense at a certain point but I just gritted my teeth, smiled sweetly and tried to explain as best I can. He eventually stamped my passport. So I muttered a sweet, poison-laced “Thank you”, got my documents, my handcarried luggage and walked inside…. All the while running through the list of profanities in my head.

But all’s well, I’m in the plane high up in the air in one piece. I don’t give a shit what that menopausal (yup he's a guy i know) immigration officer was thinking anymore. I should have remembered that they were strict with women flying alone. Whatever. Times like that I wish I were a guy. LOL.

It’s also my first time to use the loo in an airplane. Heck, it’s my first time to use any loo that wasn’t permanently strapped to the ground. It was kinda weird fixing your pants while being tossed by slight turbulence. Ano ‘to, Maynilad diggings? Butas butas ang daan?

The next test for me is finding my way in Changi airport. That and running one last errand: Buying booze from Duty Free for my friends (they’re priced double outside the airport). I asked Jon what exactly do I buy? He answered, “Absolut vodka, tapos… basta un!” I was like, whaaaaat?! Anong basta? So may this serve as a disclaimer that if I buy the wrong type of booze, guys, it’s because you didn’t tell me what to buy! LOL!

Ooops we’re landing in a bit. In that final descent thing that resembles a downward Ferris Wheel.

Ciaoo!

Flying Solo...

It's gonna be my first time to fly alone. I hope I find my way through the airport. I've been to NAIA 3 before but it was still newly opened at that time (back in January 2009) and there were not much shops -- not much anything, actually, to see. And I remember we had to keep going back and forth to pay this and fill this up and whatnot. So I hope I don't get lost there. Hmmm.. Magnet activated. I shall attract good vibes and shall not be hesitant to ask for directions. And I wish to attract people who give clear directions too. LOL.

Any prior excitement re this trip is somehow dampened by my separation anxiety (see my other blog here) from my son. I feel sad leaving him for a week. But I feel extremely blessed that my parents are there to take turns taking care of him. And I am also happy to see my husband, of course, and to be with our friends there, and see the sights, for a change.

As my friend told me, "Mag bonggang me time ka dun."
I will. :)

Peel off the Label

After blogging about having nothing interesting to write about, I had an epiphany. Interesting thoughts shared with my close friend Jen's via her Facebook status:

"Thanks, luv Ü I am blessed that the people who matter to me have never made me feel that I am less of a person just because I'm single. You know I would rather shoot myself than go into a relationship simply for the label or "bragging rights"" -- Jen

"Some relationships don't even need labels. *wink* And besides, relationship statuses DO NOT make a person. It's who YOU are (to the people who matter) that defines you. Regardless of being single, in a normal or complicated relationship." -- Ivah

For my beautiful friend and for whoever can relate to this: let me reiterate that it's who YOU are that should define you. You need not declare any status -- they are merely labels of a certain fact of your life that should just be optionally known. You can have a real relationship even without defining or declaring it. It's between you and the other person. Peel off the label and what's left is what counts.

I have to admit seeing the relationship statuses of other people may be interesting, but no one has the right to make you feel you are "less of a person" just because of you are single. What, a girl can't be complete without a guy? HELL NO. *bitchy side resurfaces* Okay okay, same goes for guys too.

There shouldn't be any pressure getting into a relationship. No pressure declaring it either. And if it's for you, then it will happen no matter what. Regardless of day and age.

Kudos to whatever status you may have -- as long as it's your choice.

No Mood No Write

I have writer's block. As Bianca Gonzalez tweeted earlier today, she salutes journalists who have deadlines with their articles, because she can't always work on a deadline. If it's too distracting, she can't write. Ditto here. I can't just force myself to write when I don't feel like it.

Which is why I'm doing a somewhat paradoxial act of writing about my own writer's block. For a change, maybe I should express why I am not in the mood to write by writing about it. Go figure.

No time. I've been busy mommyhooding that I don't have time to write. I realized that I was able to write the past couple of months because my dad was often there to help me out with EJ since it was summer vacation (he's a teacher). But now, as we speak, a timer is ticking and anytime soon, wowo would "return" my son to me. Tik tok.

No mood. Probably related to previous reason. If I have no time to write, then I would also have no time to be in a mood for it. Except if I have an extreme emotion, which brings me to the next reason --

No extreme emotion. I'm steady. Most of the time. My recent extreme emotions I'm able to let it out in another way. Besides, not all extreme emotions are publishable. Haha.

No interesting topic around me. Why? Because I'm just in the house, damnit. I can't even watch my own channels on cable. It's always tuned to a) Baby TV b) Disney Junior (formerly Playhouse Disney, btw) c) Disney Channel d) Nickolodeon (very seldom). So there are no issues to talk about because I'm shut-out from the world. Except for Facebook and Twitter.

Facebook & Twitter. I have to admit, some of my short-term rants are already either in Facebook and/or Twitter. Better to let it out as status updates than spend time (which I hardly have) in front of the laptop typing fast about it.

But I miss blogging. I miss being reflective. I miss being bitchy and cynical. I miss being expressive. I miss having bursting thoughts and emotions I hardly know where to start. I miss that "can't wait to blog about it" feeling. I miss having uncluttered thoughts. I miss writing from the heart.

I'll get you back. Just you wait.

This is ME -- Unica Ivah

My Life is a Fishbowl. And I am the Fish.

Such is my life. In a fishbowl where I am the fish and everybody stares at me. I can only hide for a short time in that small castle someone placed in the middle. Wait a minute. Have I not been to the ocean? Why was I yanked from there? Who the heck scooped me up and plopped me here, in the middle of watchful eyes?

I shun the light, but it follows me everywhere. But then again, my "everywhere" ain't all that big. I'm just in a fishbowl, remember? Tsktsk. Or should I say *blop*blop* (water bubbles).

Cliffnotes Version: A logical fallacy is forcing me to conform to a stereotypical (idealistic) image that is molded from the past. Ergo, the watchfulness. Ergo, the desire for paradigm shift. Change of water. Change of aquarium. Back to the ocean.

Kudos to Meralco Alabang Service Center

Yup, I never thought I'd see the day that I would actually use that blog title. But I want to give credit where credit is due. Thank you to Mr. Palma and his crew for arriving within an hour of our SOS call.

Just wanna share this experience in the hopes that somehow it could save someone from the hassle of re-wiring a whole house.

For about 2 weeks now, we have been noticing fluctuations in our electricity. At first it was just the lights, flickering a bit, then everything's normal again. Once a day probably, just negligible. But the past couple of days, we were noticing even the fans and the aircons were being affected by the fluctuation, and we were getting concerned about the other appliances too. Then this morning, as mom was about to leave for work, the electricity seemed to slowly shut down until it turned off. Then went on again. So my mom went berserk and was bugging me to call Meralco. I did and they said someone would be over within 2-4hrs.

Thank goodness they got here within the hour. That was fast!! The crew immediately opened the electric meter (kuntador) and a burnt smell filled the air. The right half of the inside was scorched and brittle and the wire was a bit burnt. This picture is what's left of the right panel of the meter. The rest of the pieces I think disintegrated.

They had to re-check and make sure the wire wasn't burned on the inside. If it was, then we have to call an electrician and re-wire the whole house. That is one epic hassle especially with a baby present in the household. We were lucky indeed. A few more hours probably would have consumed the wire. The leadman Mr. Palma said we should've called immediately after we noticed frequent fluctuations.

So I'm sharing this now because if I was able to read something like this before, I would have acted much sooner.

So remember. If your lights start to flicker, before thinking of corpses appearing behind you reflected through mirrors, remember you are NOT in a horror movie. Grab your phone and call Meralco instead. Better be safe than sorry.

And thank God for protecting us from harm.

YOU: Beta Version 2.0

"It's better to be yourself, than to try to be some version of what you think the other person wants." -- @ihatequotes

No sense pretending someone you're not. It's one thing to change for the better, it's another to force yourself to live up to someone else's expectation knowing that you can't keep it up for the long term.

Beta versions are trial versions, early releases that have a lot of bugs and issues. An early release of another version of you have to undergo a trial stage where you have to determine if you wanna go through with it or undo and shelf the idea.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for self-improvement and embracing change. We are not perfect, and in whatever kind of relationship -- whether business, platonic and especially otherwise -- there will always be adjustments and sacrifices and compromise, one on top of the other. Actually, there is probably a very thin line between adjustment/compromise and pretension and it's really up to you to figure out which is which.

I guess it boils down to one thing: Are you willing to change, to adjust? Are you willing to compromise? Or are you merely going through the motions to avoid further conflict and issues?

If your self-improvement comes from within, your own initiative and your own desire, then go for it. Do it for yourself first and foremost, then do it for others. That way, if in case it goes unappreciated by the others, at least you know you did it for yourself too. (If you don't appreciate your own effort, go see a shrink.)

But if the changes you're struggling to go through seem to be a burden to you, or you seem to always *want to* have a relapse, then think about it. Is this really what you want? Can you compromise something so this can be what you want? If you feel like you have to wear this mask or wear that costume, well, then it probably is an act that you have to play for the necessary duration. A 30-day trial? Who knows? The question is, can you keep it up?

We all have roles to play one way or another. It's a fact of dear life. Beta versions of a new you is just a larger, more permanent picture this time. It's a life decision, and it takes a lot of courage and wisdom to accept your answer to the million-dollar question:

Release all new and improved YOU: Version 2.0 Full?
Or Restore Backup?

Life As We Know It

Yes, I promise to watch the movie once I get my hands on a DVD of it.

Anyway, in an effort NOT to turn a movie title into a cliche, lemme just say that this short phrase actually translates to "The life that we were taught to live by is not always what it seems; there will always be changes that may not necessarily be part of our design."

Having said that, I believe it's true, especially for some of us who were brought up in an ideal environment. The little perfect ideal world does not necessarily translate directly into a mere bigger ideal world version. And we have to be ready to accept that.

Case in point: Me. I was living a sheltered life through elementary and highschool. I went to college starting out with a big chunk of the previous "sheltered life as I knew it". But pretty soon I knew I had to accept the new world I was now living in. Exit sheltered life. Enter college life. Unfortunately, my then boyfriend was weighing me down because he refuses to see that this world is entirely different from our highschool world. Either that or he doesn't want me to go out and meet the real world for fear that I might leave him behind? Whatever. The point being, it's hard to move in a new world when there's someone watching over you like a hawk on an eating binge. Life in highschool as I knew it changed (somehow) in college. When I got a job, I was in for another entrance test to the corporate world.

Exit carefree college life. Enter responsible yuppie life. Bills to pay. Allowance from my own pocket (or ATM) had to be budgeted, new people to meet and get along with, and that includes the Boss and the Boss' aides. Working for someone who has the power to fire you was pressuring and mind-blanking -- at first. Of course, once I adjusted to my "new corporate life as I knew it", it became my "life as I know it" for almost a decade, up until the time I left the corporate world for Mommyhood.

Exit corporate life. Enter Mudra life. The end of a life as I knew it and yet again the start of another. Will this life be the end of the story? Hardly. From the looks of it, there is and shall be many changes (drastic or otherwise) within my new "mudra life as I know it". I have a lot to learn. I have a lot to figure out. I have a lot to experience. At this stage, it seems pointless to conjure up any ideals sensing that I sometimes can't even determine what the ideal mudra life is all about. It was easier to stereotype the ideal scenario of a corporate world: Sucess = lots of moola = great career. But how can one define success in motherhood? Is it that your child finished pre school, gradeschool, highschool and college? Is it that your child isn't a rebel? Your child may not be a rebel, but has he made a difference in this world? If neither, are you still successful as a parent?

Seems like this current life as I know it has a LOT of gray areas, thin lines and variable responses. It's scary, fulfilling, exhausting, interesting, thrilling, even anxiety-building. I guess the only way to describe my "current life as I know it" is that it's as volatile as anti-matter on a vacuum canister running out of battery (sorry, refer analogy to Dan Brown's Angels and Demons). A small leak can change everything and even make it explode. Which is why I have to make sure I stay sane, stable, balanced and zonked with a lotta love and patience. Wishing for wisdom wouldn't hurt too, for me to accept the things I cannot control. And jaw strength too, to bite my tongue whenever I have the urge to retort, complain, sarcastically comment etc.

Bottomline: This "current life as I know it"... Seems I don't know it well after all. Not yet, anyway.

I'm NOT In It To WIN It...

I'm in it for YOU.


These words (lyrics from a song I recently heard) had me momentarily stumped. I'm used to the "I'm in it to WIN it!!" frame of mind. Now this totally opposite school of thought?! Whoa. So I guess it IS possible to do something for someone out of sheer love/loyalty without even expecting reciprocation. Martyr much? Maybe, partly. Or perhaps there's happiness in doing this too. Unconditional love? Most probably. Ah. Selfless love. There you go.

But wait. Wasn't I able to do this too? Of course, not at the martyrdom level, no. But wasn't there a point in my life when I was the only one giving and exerting effort after effort, without the promise of certainty in a relationship? Hmmm. So this isn't really something new for me, after all. I remember at that point I was willing to go through with it, to make the effort myself-- until I bumped my head and my vision cleared and I realized it wasn't worth it. He wasn't worth it. :)

But then let's try to shift the paradigm a bit. What if the guy is worth it, but you know that you can never win. Plain and simple. The question is, will you still go through the effort? Will you still offer the time? Will you still give the love?

If the answer is a resounding "Hell no!", hey, I don't blame ya. That is the logically correct answer. Statistically, most people do not waste their time and effort on something they know they can't get. You simply followed your mind, logical reasoning, sanity and kept within the socially acceptable mindset. That's cool.

But if your answer is still a soft but firm "Yes.", then kudos to you as well. You are the embodiment of the blog title. You have achieved selfless love, whether it be for a short or long period of time. You have found happiness in places not many can find happiness in. You followed your heart this time, allowing yourself to feel what others tend to avoid feeling. Undoubtedly, it will be a learning experience, and a humbling one. An experience that hopefully, when you look back, you'd say, "No, I still don't regret that one."

Unleash Your Inner Child

Contrary to what may be the initial impression, having your "inner child" intact amidst all the grown-up worries in this world is a sign of sanity and balance. I'm talking about having a couple (or for the moneyed, maybe even a collection) of toys or action figures at home or even at work that you secretly enjoy during certain moments in your life. It may not be something you want to show to everyone, but it is certainly one you'd share with whoever knows your heart's desires.

It goes to show that you still have a firm grasp on your childhood roots, even partially. It keeps your feet on the ground. It is a reminder that you can let go of all your worries and just look at the kid inside of you and enjoy it for a moment. It serves as a break from the chaotic and complicated problems that you face every single day. It shows that you are still who you were before, or a part of you at least, despite everything you've done and everything you've been through. It allows you to stop pretending to be a grown up all the freakin' time. It's a sign of freedom from everything around you and immersion in your secret world.

Of course, it doesn't mean that you'd burst into play in the middle of a client meeting or presentation. Perhaps that already warrants some medical assistance. It is in those moments of solitude, or moments with someone close to you that you unleash your inner child without the fear of being judged or ridiculed. It's fun, and therapeutic, even.

Which is why it got me thinking, what represents MY inner child? Am I too caught up with the grown-up world that I can't even remember what I used to do when I was a kid? Maybe I was. Maybe I am.

Thanks for reminding me. I guess it's time to look inside... my toy chest. :)

Painful Consequences

"Sometimes you have to suffer the consequences of your actions."

When I hear this line, I immediately think, "Damn, that can't be good..." Well, it's usually not. But you have no choice but to go through it.

This time I'm talking about physical pain. It's been a while since I've felt sick like this. Major attack of hyperacidity (I think) that I had to be rushed back to the condo from the mall just so I could lie down or throw up, whichever came first. I was just dropped off, so I was alone and hurting with no one to bring me to the hospital in case this was not just hyperacidity. Yes, that worse scenario came fleeting through my mind, although I managed to push it away because anxiety causes more pain.

So then I started thinking of what I have eaten the past few days that could have led to this. This is the part where you start pondering on your "actions" that led to this "consequence". Well, I could only think of 1 thing: chocolates. Whether it be a bar, or ice cream, or snack... I think I had too much chocolates for a while.

But since I'm a certified chocolate lover (even if it is technically not allowed for acidic persons like me teehee), I'm striving to defend the position that it was not merely the chocolates that did this. So, lessons learned:

1. Seafood Chowder soup, 1 slice of really thin crust pizza is NOT an ideal dinner. However delicious or fancy the restaurant might be.
2. #1 + Choco Java Ice Cream is not a good mix. 
3. Late breakfast in the morning after eating #1&2 the night before is a dead-ringer for hyperacidic attacks.

So there. Lessons learned. As I am still recovering, I shall strive not to look at the chocolate shelf in the fridge, and shall eat good food in the couple of days to come.

Blast from the Friggin' Past

Blasts from the pasts and reminiscing moments always conjure up twilight-zoney feelings for me. They produce a surreal effect that I sometimes don't know if I want to dwell on it or not. I guess it depends on what aspect of the "past" we are talking about.

I had one such moment this afternoon. An auto-email to my Yahoo! inbox told me I had a comment on my blog. No not this blog, my Friendster Blog. A 2005 entry. Of course I knew it was spam, but I suddenly remembered, oh yeah, I was blogging that long ago! I think I transferred my friendster blogs to this site back in 2008 but I'm not sure if I transferred all. 


So then I decided to read the entry, and lo and behold! There was a picture of me and my ex. Hahaha! I couldn't resist reading the rest of the entry and the twilight-zoney feeling came over me.... I was on the outside looking in.... I was looking at myself 6 years ago.... That was how I felt, that was how I looked, that was how I wrote (pretty much the same way hahaha), that was what was going on in my life at that time... It was actually fun and very interesting to read my past entries, most of which I couldn't remember writing.... Hey, I guess once I let go of my feelings through writing I put those thoughts in the back burner.

As I was reading through various dates, there was actually one paragraph in an entry that had me thinking and laughing at the same time. It went something like this:

"This is also the first and the last time I am going to mention this: to the person whom I have hurt early this year, I’m really sorry. There were decisions I had to make, and in making them I had to sacrifice our chance. Although I never regretted my decision, I am still sorry for causing pain to someone who really cared for me. Thank you for everything you did for me. Those six months are full of memories I will cherish."

Honestly, my first reaction was like, "Who the hell was I referring to?!" I was clapping my had over my mouth in confusion. I know the date of the blog and I remember under what circumstances I was writing it. So I had to backtrack and calculate. Then I realized... then I LOLed. Why? Because I guess after realizing some things, I wouldn't exactly write about that person in such a.... kind way. I was thinking, what did he do for me? But oh well, maybe I was in a softie emo phase while writing the blog so I wouldn't wanna contradict myself directly. Haha!

I really am thankful I kept those blogs. I wish Friendster won't erase them. It allowed me to take a glimpse of myself and live in my past for a while -- just a while, because I wouldn't trade my present for anything else. :)

Thank Goodness for my Own World :)

Sometimes it is easy to lose yourself in the real, crazy world.

I have been working since right out of college, I've always been around high-rise buildings and bosses and clients. There were always lunch-outs, dinner dates, Friday night gimmicks. Everyday was a new day, with new people to ride with in the shuttle, with new people to talk to on the phone, with new problems to face in the office, with new interactions with other people. These has been going on for the last (gasp!) 9 years of my life that I didn't know how to live otherwise. Amidst this all, I got married and had a baby. This new world combined with the world as I knew it were spinning their own circles and I had to keep up with both of them for a period of time. Until now.

One of those worlds had to stop spinning. Needless to say, the job had to go. Now I end up with a world totally different from the one I knew. Everything is a new and learning experience. I'm starting from scratch, learning the ropes of mommyhood from  no less than my own mother, plus books and internet on the side. My new boss is even more demanding than my former employers. As they say, there are no overtime pays, the working hours is 24/7, with no option for resignation. I love it, but then again, it is easy to lose yourself in this new world I have chosen to live in.

So then here comes my world. A world I seem to have only recently reclaimed. I'm not even sure if I had it before, but I have it now. It's a small world with a limited time frame (just whenever I'm free) when I can be myself and have choices and options that I don't normally have. There seems to be no time element, there are only good thoughts, good memories, good vibes. I can do what I want, I can feel what I want to feel, I can go wherever I wanna go, I can be whoever I wanna be, even a princess :) It's my refuge, it's my inner strength. Oftentimes it's my reason for smiling amidst the busy reality. It's in my mind, in my heart, and I can take it anywhere with me, anytime. Call it an active imagination, a parallel universe, an astral plane, or whatever.

I call it my Own World. This is ME.

Shortage of Happy Juice

I guess it's been going on for a while...just simmering beyond the surface. Little things that come up, that make me feel inadequate, uncertain, helpless and frustrated, spanning a wide range of aspects. Maybe I think too much, maybe I reflect on myself too much, maybe I analyze too much sometimes. I think I need a job, something or anything that would keep my mind working. Being a thinker has its downside sometimes -- if you have too much time to think, there are a LOT of things you think of and a lot of worries that cross your mind. Trivial things seem to be magnified because you have a think-all-u-can pass in your hands.

Of course I'm in the midst of mommyhood. It's physically demanding and taxing, yes. And I'm glad I get a lot of help with that part. Unfortunately I can't get help with the over-thinking part. I have to do it on my own. I have to try not to worry about things too much, to let go and leave them in God's hands. I have to accept the fact that I need to deal with some things by myself. I have to accept the fact that there are some things that I can only do so much with. I have to accept that there are people who cannot do anything beyond what they have already done, and you can't ask more from them. I have to accept that I have faults, and if people point them out I should not get discouraged or let that get into me.

Is this the career-woman-to-full-time-mom transition phase that other people are talking about? Partly, I think. My mind is craving for something to work on. A project. Something that has results. Because all I'm dealing with right now are tasks with intangible and uncertain endings. And I hate that. I hate uncertainty, I hate not being able to have some control over the possible outcome.  I hate having so much dependencies. I hate not earning on my own, not having my own identity. I'm not used to not having control over my time anymore.

But I don't hate my life. I love it and I know I am blessed. I just have issues, and who doesn't? It's a mark of normalcy, to have issues and have to deal with them.

Just a sec, I'll go get my independence back. And grab a gallon of happy juice on the way.

Clearly, Globe, Customer Service is NOT your Best Asset

Sometimes, even the widest range of cellphone services goes vamoose when you have crappy customer service.

My (new) line got redirected for the 2nd time because of low credit limit whatever. It's okay, I understand that. The first time I settled my payment, I got reconnected pretty easily. To think that I was in the middle of Makati while dictating the payment details to the hotline, I was reconnected within half an hour. Okay.

But this time, it's a different story. Cliffnote's version: I settled the whole amount yesterday and was told to wait 2 hours for reconnection. A couple of hours came and went without progress. Midnight I called their hotline and was told that as per their system, my line was already reconnected and that I should do this reset cycle thingie that involves putting my sim card into another phone so it can refresh. But still to no avail. Today, I had to call their hotline twice just so I could have a decent reply, FINALLY, from their customer rep. In my latest call this evening, after being put on hold for a couple of minutes, the customer rep finally had a new answer: that there was a "disalignment" in their system, that although their system logged that my line was already reconnected, the actual sms and call services where not provided.

Being from the IT field, I understand that. Sometimes, the system gives out a successful feedback but fails to do the job in the background. Sh!t happens, it's okay. My point is, why did it have to take 24 hours for them to see that?!?! Why did it have to take me 3 calls to their hotline just so someone could finally figure out what was wrong?!?! This time a request for the activation of the sms and call services were made, but again I was made to wait (gasp!) 24 effin' HOURS for the activation of the said services. That's 48hrs for something that usually takes less than a couple of hours to do. Why couldn't the earlier customer reps see what was wrong, so the request could have been made earlier and I didn't have to waste a day for something that wasn't even being resolved??????? So I sent an email to Globe. With this complaint plus more. So let's see what happens then.

Tsktsk. This is cramping my style. My cellphone activity has been generously hampered by delayed troubleshooting. Thanks Sun Cellular for being my unlikely savior. I owe you one.

Good Things Come in Small Packages

...So the cliche goes. And I agree.

If we learn to see the small things in life, we would recognize the little puzzles fitting together. Slowly but surely.
If we learn to see the brighter side, our resolve will not be hampered by things not going exactly as we want them to be.
If we learn to see the glass half full, then we'd acknowledge that there are good things everywhere.
If we learn to accept that everything happens in HIS time, then we learn to wait patiently for that time. No shortcuts.
If we learn to appreciate other people's predicament, we also learn to appreciate how lucky we are compared to them.
If we learn to see the small miracles everyday, we would always be thankful for everything.

But hey. I know good vibes are hard to keep up especially in times of frustrations and disappointments. We may generally be cheerful and positive persons but there will always come a time when our happy juice runs out. That's why we have our support system to run to. Our families, friends, our sounding board who'd try and make us see the other side of things. It may not always work in a snap, but at least we know we are not alone. And at the end of the day, there's always HIM to run to. He may not give us the answers we want, but He will always give us something to hold on to.

Just don't let go.

My Bucket List

Allow me to be selfish and create this post devoid of any social, marital nor financial status I may currently have, primarily because this bucket list includes wishes I've had waaay back.

This is a sequel to my previous post about the end of the world that made me think if I even HAD a list of things I wanna do in this lifetime. So I made one. Quite randomly. Warning: Not much analysis done. Here goes:

My Bucket List...

1. Drive my own car. Not an office car, not my either parent's car. Mine.
2. Drive my car on the highway going to someplace for an R&R... with my iPod blaring hiphop/RnB music.
3. Repeat mini-drift in MoA area. This time do it on purpose with longer skid marks.
4. Learn to drift on the multi-level parking.
5. Pimp my car.

(Okay at this point may I clarify that I have not yet even seen Fast 5. All these car and drifting fetishes of mine go years back. The boyish side of me resurfaces. Ok, moving forward....)

6. Continue Tae Kwon Do or learn another Martial Art
7. Continue swimming training.
8. Raise hell on the dancefloor.
9. Raise hell on the dancefloor with a kick-ass partner.
10. Party like there's no tomorrow (preferrably doing Nos. 8 & 9)

11. Kissing on the beach, under the stars.
12. Kissing during the sunset, either on the beach or overlooking the city.
13. Kissing in the rain (oh I got this from one of my girls hahaha)
14. Kissing a pretty girl. Hey, why not? No strings attached :)
15. Kissing in the middle of the woods. Haha.

(Before anybody reacts to these five items on kissing, lemme just reiterate that these include those from waaaay back. But, yeah, I guess they're still applicable. LOL)

16. Tour the Carribean, Bora-Bora, Amanpulo... Those exclusive, exotic tropical paradise islands.
17. Tour Europe.
18. Make snow angels, snowmen, ride the sled, ski the slopes.
19. Sunbathe in a yacht. Off the coast of wherever.
20. Picture perfect in the Eiffel Tower.

21. Live in a mansion, with maids and drivers and cooks. In plural form.
22. Live on the beach, in front of the sea, white sand.
23. Ride a Ducati. In a leather outfit. And capture the moment when I park it, take off my helmet, my hair tumbling down my shoulders and the guys around would think, "Hell, it's a f***ing girl in a f***ing Ducati!" Hahahaha.
24. Have a permanent dragon tattoo on my back. Or maybe a tribal form of my pseudoname.
25. Have a dance studio in my house.


I'm sure there are lots of other things on my bucket list. It may even turn out to be a truckload list. These are just off the top of my head.

I guess what I'm pointing at is that there are lots of things we all wanna do but can't -- because of financial, legal or personal matters. But what counts is that we try to make the most out of the things we CAN do and not let our limitations prevent us from living our lives and being happy, contented and blessed.

End of What?!?!

Okay, so I vaguely read somewhere or vaguely heard someone say May 21 was supposed to be the end of the world according to somebody. Hmmm. Too bad I wasn't informed.

Well, as it is already 1:21am, May 22, I guess it ain't the end yet. Not this time anyway. But what if I truly believed that it would be the end of the world? It got me thinking, what would I have done, assuming I learned it ahead of time? Hmmm....

Would I dare leave my son & parents' side? Would I fetch hubby from abroad and drag him back here? Would I go out and meet up with friends I wanna see and spend time with them? Would I tell everyone I'm sorry (for whatever I have done)? Would I let significant people know just how significant they are to me? Would I try to help everyone I could?

Would I have done the things I've always wanted to do? Would I have done the things I've always wanted to do but can't? Would I have done the things I've secretly been wanting to do? Would I do the things on my bucket list? Wait, do I have a bucket list? (note: make one)

So you see. It CANNOT be the end of the world yesterday. I don't even have the answers to all these questions yet! Sheesh.

Destiny or...Not?

I had an interesting conversation on the beach with a good friend who happens to have a different opinion about destiny. Destiny, according to him, is another word for not having a choice. He thinks that if something in your life is deemed "destined" to be, then no matter what you do, it will happen -- ergo, no choice.

He also said life always has choices. They may not be the choices you want, but they are choices just the same.

I agree with his take on choices. But the destiny part.... I guess the romantic in me would still want to believe in destiny.

I don't think it's about having no choice at all. My feeling is that the choices I make lead to different consequences along the way although ultimately, it's whatever God wants for me that will eventually happen. But because I don't know what that is until it does happen, then I wouldn't think I didn't have a choice, would I? The consequences of my actions along the way are the results of my choices, so I still have choices. Whew. Did that just feel like a merry-go-round or what.

Bottomline, I know I have choices, and I like to believe in destiny because that's what I call the things I cannot explain.

This is Real… This is Me…

…I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be… so that song from Camp Rock goes. 

Some blogger friends told me to take advantage of my blogging skills and advertise products for a fee. Well, there's nothing wrong with that, especially if it does generate some income. But for some reason I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't quite put my finger at the exact reason why I dismissed the idea, until a close friend made me realize why. 

He told me it's because I blog from the heart. 

He said that this blog shows the real me, which is why reading it is like getting to know me. Funny that it was just then that I understood why I couldn't just post something that doesn't have a personal connection with me. This is a personal blog, an extension of myself. (If I would make a business out of a blog I would have to create a third one for it.) I may write under my pseudoname, but it still came from the same heart, the same mind, the same thoughts. Mine. 

So it was just recently that I learned to appreciate why I blog. I guess it came so naturally for me that I kinda forgot why I was doing this and whom I was doing this for. 

Now I remember, and now I know. 

This is me -- Unica Ivah. 

Love Muffin

Okay the title is totally random. It was in yesterday's episode of Phineas and Ferb. Randomness. I guess I really am hung over. Beach hangover. 

You know how alcohol causes hangover the morning after, right? In my case, it's the sound of the sea and feel of the sand that's equally intoxicating. I keep on going back to the warm sand on my feet, the cool water on my body, even the seaweeds snaking on my legs. I keep on remembering the way the sky looked as I floated in seawater. I keep on seeing the grins, shrieks and giggles of my friends as they fooled around. 

And, oh, the sunset. The lovely hue of the sunset, reflecting on the sea. Thank goodness I got some good pictures of it. Something I can always go back to. 

Last but definitely not the least, I would never forget that exhilirating feeling as I walked on the shore that night. Cool sand, cool breeze, loud crashing of the waves, few stars in the sky… the dark horizon barely visible from where I was standing. The deep calming breaths I took, the peace of mind, the serenity, and the wish on the stars. Then I had a very interesting and entertaining conversation with a few close friends which made me ponder more about destiny. 

Hmmm… beach fumes in my head.

Addictive. 

What's With My Shirt?

Note to self: wearing statement shirts = walking pickup line

A guy wearing a shirt (with an acronym on the front) rides the LRT with a friend. Inside, he makes eye contact with a girl passenger, and she comes up to him and asks, "Anong meaning ng shirt mo?" The guy smiles and answers… and probably thanks his lucky stars he picked that shirt to wear. As a bonus effect, the girl smiles sweetly and says goodbye as she exits at her station.

So then the guy wonders, “What’s with my shirt? Is it my shirt?” “Or my smart, bespectacled look?”

“Or is it me?”

Statement shirts are always a conversation starter. Well, at the very least, they are definitely attention grabbers. Which is why plain black or white shirts with one-word adjectives are everywhere right now. It’s like letting people know you in a nutshell – since it is assumed you would only wear something that suits you.

But the shirt is just the icing on the cake. What’s more important is the main dish – YOU.

How you carry yourself is the be-all and end-all of impressions. No matter how nice the icing looks, it’s how the cake tastes that ultimately matters. It’s how you walk, how you stand, how you make eye contact with other people, especially girls. It’s gotta be something like an I’m-not-a-rapist-but-I’m-interested-in-you look that’s not threatening and only mildly assertive. If you’re able to exude this without even thinking (like this guy in the acronym shirt), then expect girls to walk up to you. Ergo, you better get yourself some more of those statement shirts so they’d have no trouble finding a pick-up line. Just think, you’re making lives easier for them hahaha.

So if you ask, “Is it my shirt? Or the one wearing it?”

It’s definitely the one wearing the shirt -- that just happens to have a statement on it. Ikaw na! :D

Me, Sand and Sea

I'm strolling by the shore, breathing the calm scent of the sand and the sea, being soothed by the sound of the waves crashing, mesmerized by the dark horizon. 

And I want to do a voice blog. And this blog. And stay here. Am I weird? My friends wanna talk, i wanna be reflective. 

Well I can only do this once in a while. I want to make the most out of it and capture the moment as best I can. 

I wanna see the stars, however scarce they are. I wanna walk on the sand by the shore and watch if the waves reach my feet. I want to look at the dark horizon and wonder what's out there. I want my hair tossed and ruffled by the cool night breeze. I want to see the sand smoothened by the waves. I wanna watch my friends make "floodways" and wait until the water reaches it. Haha. 

I want to thank God for my life. I want to appreciate what I have in my life. I want to appreciate who I have in my life. 

I want to put my feet up when the waves reach where I am sitting. I want to listen to my friends talk about things that doesnt necessarily make sense. 

I want to do everything and nothing. 

I want to freeze time and let it stay in this moment. 

Karma's a Biatch, Ain't It?

We all reap what we sow. That's why when karma strikes... it hits you full in the face all you can remember is the  whiplash.

It's either you think you're that good or  others are that stupid that they can't see right through you. Newsflash earthling: they read you like a glaring warning sign of toxic waste.

Power is like electricity. You use too much and you burn yourself. Use it for the right reasons and you make lives easier. You are like a power surge. Small bursts of power. Big damage. I hope you remember, power tripping results in short circuits.

It can backfire on you. Karma.

Childhood Memories

A couple of days ago, my childhood friend Migs posted (in FB) something that he used to do when he was a kid. By "kid" I immediately thought it may be the time that we were neighbors and we used to do almost everything together. It ended up being an exchange of reminisces that made me miss the old days.


Sharing our FB comments:

Eva Dueñas Capistrano: U did? I never remembered. Sa bagay, whenever we're together, it's always about toys and making maggie cry. Teehee!
3 hours ago · Like ·  1 person

Miguel Francisco: and getting tadpoles hahaha remember that?
2 hours ago · Like

Miguel Francisco: And I remember this leaf we put in out bubble bottles to make more bubbles? I learned it from you... Alokbati or something?
2 hours ago · Like


Eva Dueñas Capistrano: Eeeeek omg the tadpoles!!! Beside the watertank. The leaf…Uh was it alokbati or gumamela leaf? *memory gap* bsta yeah we did that pra hindi n tyo mnghingi ng tide.. And your ectoplasm. My favorite.
about an hour ago · Like

Miguel Francisco: it was this vine something color violet that I had to go to this hidden way to get to the other street -- hahaha -- childhood adventures. OOOHHH how about this leaf we put wax in then burn and it pops during brownout nights LOL!
about an hour ago · Like


Eva Dueñas Capistrano: yeah yeah the one that looks like onion leaves... thin ones... i think they were weeds... then we burn them with the candles and they sizzle! Oh and the aratellis fruits that you guys eat that I refused to (but I eventually did eat it, once I think) from that house at the end of the street?
about an hour ago · Like

Miguel Francisco: peer pressure ba? LOL!
about an hour ago · Like

Eva Dueñas Capistrano: I think bullying is a more appropriate term. LOL!
about an hour ago · Like

Miguel Francisco: Hahahaha!!! Oh those were the days... Cheers my good longest childhood friend I can remember!
about an hour ago · Like

Eva Dueñas Capistrano: Loveeet! All the best to my first ever childhood friend!!! For life!!
about an hour ago · Like ·  1 person


Looking forward to a reunion of the families! And more reminisces! Cheers!

Rain, I Love You…BUT…

…BUT please don't be in my parade.

Okay, I'm not really referring to Rain the Korean singer/dancer because I do love him, period. No buts.(wistful sigh) I'm referring to the weather. I love rainy and cool weather after weeks of intense, unreasonable heat. But rain is only good for those planning to stay indoors. And I DO NOT intend to stay indoors this weekend. Besides, I can only do this once… in a blue moon. So please… Nix the raining, hold the downpour. If your rival Mr. Sun could make a cameo it would be mucho appreciated.

Walang basagan ng trip ha. Hindi pa huli ang lahat! LOL!

So You Think You Can Dance?

So you think you can dance?

No, not the show. I meant life. Think you can always dance to it?

Nope. Sometimes we miss a beat. Sometimes we can't even get the beat. Other times it seems life is out of sync with us. Why? It's God's design. So we cling to Him, so we learn from Him, so we be reminded that He choreographs everything. No matter what moves we want to do, what turns we choose to take, He is watching over us. 

Then sometimes life is just dandy. We groove to the beat of our chosen music. We (seem to) know the next step to the next stanza. Everything goes as planned. Perhaps because God meant it to be. Unfortunately this lures us into a sense of always being in control, always getting what we want the way we want it. So much so that when the tape runs out, we get lost in the deafening silence and start stumbling around. We often forget that sometimes we have to step back and listen to God's music this time, and not our own. We may not hear it clearly, but we have to believe that it has never stopped playing in our lives.  We have to believe that even if our own music stops, we shouldn't be lost, because we always have His music to listen to, His dance to follow. 

In every step, in every count, there's always a 50/50 chance of stumbling and falling. So if we feel as if we've been stumbling and falling down a lot, bear in mind that there's no other way to go but up. What's important is we don't let the floor block our view. Head up, eyes open, and see the little things unravel before us. We have to try to appreciate what we can see from the bottom, because those may be the ones that can help us go back up. Otherwise, we shall continue to stumble blindly amidst the negativity. 

And as we go back up, let us not forget where we came from -- to keep us grounded. Let us not forget how we stumbled -- so hopefully we won't trip the same way again. Let us not forget the hands that help and the hearts that care -- so we may do the same for others. Let us not forget that there's always His music -- so we don't get lost. 

It's God's choreography, after all. He just lets us freestyle. 

...And They Said Not to Talk to Strangers...

When I was a kid, my mom kept on telling me not to talk to strangers. Up to this day, I almost never do. I'm not in the habit of chatting someone up while falling in line, waiting, riding the bus etc. Which is why in times of my "willing to share ME time", I'd rather have a friend with me -- personally or at least on the phone.

And today was one of those times.

The guy in the DFA window was making small talk. He even wished me goodluck as he handed me my certified document. Maybe he thought I was going to apply for something abroad. Okaaay, so he meant well anyway.

As I was walking (hurriedly) towards my friend's car, this older guy who let me pass by ahead of him in the exit started walking in pace with me, and making small talk too. About how far the exit was from the road, about how high the rates of the travel agencies were, how he'd rather fall in line than pay several more hundreds of pesos.  I said a few short but polite phrases in response, and discreetly slowed down so we wouldn't be walking in sync.

When I was on the bus going home, I was sitting by the window alone at first. Then a group of tattoo covered guys boarded the bus somewhere in Baclaran. The bulkier one, about my age probably, sat down beside me. A while later I noticed that the sun was in his face and he was commenting on it to his friend, so I moved the curtain to cover the window and he said thanks. That was ok. But then later he started to ask me if I was into tattooes. I said yeah but only henna. Then he started making small talk, alternately talking to me and his friends on the opposite side. When the seats in front of us were vacated, I was expecting him to move there since we were cramped, but he (purposely) let his friends move instead, and refused to budge beside me. Okaaay. He was actually nice, inviting me to their event on May 7 (artists' exhibit). They also have a tattoo parlor. He wasn't scary or rude, I think if circumstances were different it would have been interesting talking to him...except when he asked about my age LOL!

I don't know what's with this day. Strangers talking to me. And I had to break the rule and talk to them too.

Did I have a "talk to me" sign on my forehead? *checks my reflection*

Tattooed on My Mind

I got 2 of 'em on my mind. It's been too long since I've seen them, been with them, felt them. Now I can't stop thinking about them -- at night and throughout the day. Is this an obsession?! I call it love.

Their names? Sea and Sand.

It's been 3 years since I've last been on a real beach with the soft sand and the calm sea. Where 2pc bathing suits are a non-issue, where lounging in the sand is the life, where the shoreline beckons those who want to frolick by the sea, where stars are nice to look at while lying on the beach.

I miss this. I need this. Sea and Sand, perhaps a bit of ME time here and there.

They may think any beach would do. It doesn't have to be one of those expensive resorts. Just one with good sand (not gray, muddy, dirty sand) and blue sea (not green or gray).

I understand some people may not understand my need for this kind of calm. However I also know that there are people who do. Maybe the difference is that they get to go anytime whereas I never had that kind of freedom.

For now, I shall continue to fervently wish that I get to see my long lost loves. I am not alone.

Revelations, Reflections...

I recently learned of a lovely friend's heartbreaking story. A story of love and happiness turned sorrow and regret. Every girl's dream of good life and love, blown apart, washed away in a tsunami-esque manner.

However, amidst the brouhaha, I daresay that you, my dear, are still the lucky and blessed one. You have your family behind your back, and you have real friends who are willing to do everything to make you feel better. The mis-informed minority should not make a dent in the enlightened majority. What is important is that you know what the Mighty One knows. We may not be perfect, certainly we all have our faults, but let us rest assured that we are the ones on the right track. As my soul sister said, nothing beats sleeping soundly at night with a clear conscience. Only He can give you the strength you need. I wish you peace of mind, because nothing beats that. I wish you success in your new life -- and hopefully a new love we would soon be hearing about.

Do not fault yourself for loving someone. We always hope for the best in every relationship, don't we? And we are fully aware that when we give our heart to somebody, we also give him the power to crush it. There's always a 50/50 chance of that happening. It is how we move forward that matters. If we choose to put ourselves down and wallow in self-pity, then that becomes our fault. But if we choose to surround ourselves with positive vibes, good friends and continue to look fabulous (like you do, by the way), then there's already vindication in that. I love your positivity. Remember, you are blessed :)

Which got me into thinking. How much should we love? Or is that even a valid question? When we get into a relationship, we have every resolve to make it work right? So we give it our best shot, and that includes a lotta love and a lotta trust. Great if it works out and we end up being together for the rest of our lives. But what if it doesn't? Did we love too much? Or too little? Should we vow never to love the same way again, or repeat the exact same thing? Is it the same as getting a stone and hitting our own head with it if we love that way again? Or do we become man-haters? Or should we always believe in second chances, or new chances for that matter?

Everyone's entitled to her own opinion. As for me, personally, I believe in always giving my heart another chance to love. Love the same way, hope the same way, trust the same way -- with the past mistakes in mind. I guess the formula worked for me. If I didn't give myself another chance, and another chance and another (haha), I wouldn't have met my wonderful hubby. It's always in the aftermath that one realizes that indeed, everything happens for a reason.



So maybe some people are still in the stage where everything's happening and nothing makes sense at all. I guess all roads lead to that turning point in our lives where, after passing it, we look back and we're able to say, "Ah, so that's why it happened."

This Holy Week is a time for reflection. Maybe that's why I'm thinking this way hehehe. I hope everyone who oughtta think has already thought, and everyone who oughtta understand have already understood. Furthermore, I wish that whatever has been thought and understood shall eventually lead them to the right path.

Reaction to Satan's Letter to Willie

I recently read a creative blog (link posted by a friend) of "Satan" writing a letter to Willie Revillame.

http://worldofalbert.blogspot.com/2011/04/satans-letter-to-willie-revillame.html

I couldn't help but commenting:
"I agree specifically with user Khantotantra2.

Guys, this is a creative post. Doc Albert is entitled to express his opinion in a creative way as much as willie supporters are entitled to express their opinios by crying on TV to show support for their man. Kung tutuusin, may karapatan din silang magpost ng opinion dito pro sana walang personalan, wag na nila dirain [sic] ang pgkatao ng blogger dhil hindi nmn nya sinisira ang pgkatao nyo.

On the other hand, agree dn ako na nging OA ang reaction kay Janjan. Akala kc umiyak dhil napahiya. Hindi nmn. Umiyak cya dhil ntakot kay Mr. Balingit. Kng kalaswaan at moralidad ang pguusapan, mas mdami pang mas grabe na ginawa sa ibang shows. Pro wla nmn issue db?

Ang hindi lng tlga maganda kay willie is how he handles criticisms. Namemersonal eh. Ayan tuloy, nahahawa na ata ang ibang supporters nya, pati creative blog, pinepersonal. Hehe.

In the end, knya knya tyong opinion. Kung walang pumipigil sa inyo sumuporta kay Willie, wag nyo din sana personalin ung mga taong ayaw sa knya. Lawakan ang pang-unawa. "

As a writer with poetic license, I credit this guy for having good metaphorical skills. Altho i don't necessarily agree with some of his points, (e.g. that Willie would have wanted that Ultra Stampede to happen) I admire the blogger's grit in saying what he wants to say and receiving numerous bashings from Willie supporters for it.

I am neither a Willie hater nor a supporter. Sometimes I find him funny. Sometimes offensive. I recognize his desire to help the poor. But I also recognize how he, whether unwittingly or on purpose, manage to use his charisma for the masses as LICENSE to be arrogant and to defy authority.

His formula is using the "I'm-doing-this-for-the-masses…" ingredient. Example, something like: "Ginagawa ko itong lhat ng ito para sa masa. Para makatulong. Grabe ang pghihirap ko pra dito. Wala akong ibang hangad kundi tumulong..." (So far, this is true naman. But here comes the twist--) "Tapos pra sa isang maliit na bagay bbatikusin nyo ako? Sa dinami- damikong tinulungan, palalakihin nyo ang isang bagay? Gusto nyo bang matigil ang pgbbigay nmin ng saya sa mga kapwa? Eto n nga lng ang inaasahan nla eh, ngttyaga pumila sa labas pra sumaya mn lng at mbigyan ng pag-asa. Tapos dhil sa pmbbatikos nyo matitigil p ito?"

See? Though this is not verbatim, I want to point out his reasoning, how he manages to use the masses as a way of saying his detractors are the bad guys for criticizing his OWN wrongdoings. Or as a license for getting away with arrogance. That's what i don't like about him.

I hope the desire he has as he continues to help the poor is as much as his desire in banishing arrogance and tactlessness in his words and actions.

Ms. Venus Raj, WTH? (Why the hair?)

 I watched (some of the) Bb. Pilipinas telecast last night. I gotta admit, most of the girls' answers were good.

Moving forward, what actually disappointed me a bit was Venus Raj's hair. She looked like a tanned Sto. Nino. I was looking forward to her stately grace and poise (which she still had, yes), but I was major majorly distracted with her hair. WTH? (Why The Hair?) I missed her 1950's classic look and aura.

pic courtesy of Youtube (screencap)

However, I'm sorta kinda glad that her "major-major" slogan was picked up by Pizza Hut. I was actually surprised she became their image model -- being that pizza is not actually a common food for models. But good for her, she became famous, in a good way, because of it.

More power to you girl! Just get rid of that 'do. Your hair is better off straight. :)

The OFW's Wife

Now I know how it feels, sending off your husband to work abroad. I purposely left all our cameras (imagine, me, the camhoe?) so as not to remind me of this day.
Nevertheless, I'm surprisingly okay, doing better than I expected. Yeah I did cry the first time I walked into our room, when I saw his shirts and stuff scattered around. I realized, no one would use them in a long time, and no one will steal my blanket and bed space anymore. I got no one to wake up with everyday. Things I took for granted suddenly meant a lot.
However, I do realize that these are trivial things to cry about (but that don't stop me from doing so anyway). I oughtta focus my efforts on giving all the support I can give on his JobHunt: The Search for the perfect Job (that won't take him for granted).
I may have the license to cry me a river, but I know I also have the responsibility to accept the reasons for this temporary separation.

Certified Green Archer

Ok, maybe not green. Pink is more accurate. I wasn't talking about my school, by the way (I just had to use the pun, sorry). I was talking about Gandiva, the uh, archery place (archery place??) in Mall of Asia.

And well, no i'm not really certified as in certified, it's more of I'm now a certified FAN. I love it. I'm almost tempted to buy my own bow. *looks at the price tags* ok scratch that thought. eeeeek! I thought simple looking ones won't cost much!

Anyway, one of our project team mates tried this with his friends, and he brought us there. The first 6 shots with instructor are free, you just have to buy your own paper target. Then it's P500/hour unlimited shots with instructor, shareable by two persons (The hourly rate can be divided by up to 2 persons only). It's actually a good stress reliever to do something different this time.

Gandiva can be found at the Marina part of SM Mall of Asia (the back part facing the Seaside restos). It's on the opposite side of Burger King.

A-cute rhino

Nope, this post is faaar frombeing about the wildlife. It's actually a cute petname for my illness. Acute rhinopharyngitis. Or that's what I think the med cert says.

New Old Post: WAPAAK!

This post (in my friendster blog) was dated March 8, 2006. It was recently brought to my attention because of a spam comment. So then I decided to read my blog again, and was amazed at how similar my sentiments are, despite having very different situations already -- case in point, I was single and ready to mingle back in 2006 while I am, as you know, married with a bouncing kid today. But still, I could have written this today, with a few minor changes.

OMG. History has repeated itself. Read on.

WAPAAK!

yan ang buhay ko ngayon. parang palaging may amats, palaging masakit ang ulo, bangag, hilo, pagod. buti sana kng dahil sa gimik. ang masaklap, sa trabaho yan. pano ba naman, napasabak ako sa gitna ng giyera na walang ka-malay-malay kng ano ang pinag-aawayan. makabuluhan nga ang trabaho ko ngayon, kng ikukumpara sa kkaibang "level" ng pagpapanggap na natutunan ko dati. pero mshdong mabigat at malaking responsibilidad ang binagsak sa balikat ko, na kahit maghhumiyaw ako ng "wait! hindi pa ako ready!" eh no choice din. kulang sa oras. alam kong walang may kagustuhan pro nangyari. pro alam ko din nmn na kng bibigyan ng oras, mas gagaan… ata… diba?.. sana…

kaya ako ay ang pinakabagong miyembro ngayon ng T.G.I.F. - Thank God It’s Friday group. Ang mga nilalang na naghahanap ng happening pag biyernes dahil sa pressure sa trabaho. nagbabaka-sakali na ang pagka lango nila pag biyernes ay dahil sa tinunggang san mig o red horse at hindi dahil sa pag ngawa ng boss o kliyente.

buti nlng nung sabado, nag birthday ang kaibaigan ko. kahit naiwan akong mag-isang gumagawa ng trabaho na pang 2 tao, ayuz lng dahil alam kong magpapakasaya ako pagdating ng sabado. pero pano na ngyong linggong to? anong katuturan ng lahat, kng walang gimik? hindi din suweldo, dahil hindi ko nmn nararamdaman un. eh ano nga?

hindi nmn sa pag gimik lng umiikot ang mundo ko. pro bakit ba prang kelangan ng wapak pagkatapos ng linggo? bakit prang kelangan ang ending ay may happening tlga? cguro dahil wala akong choice. Hindi na ako natutuwa sa trabaho ko pero kailangan kong sumugod sa giyera, dahil hindi naman pwedeng mag "permission to fall out sir!" ang byuti ko. kaya consuelo nlng un. pang balanse, ika nga.

buti nlng, may nagpapa smile sakin.

kundi dahil sa knya, haaaay…

so, anong gimik natin ngyon?

Little Big Things

It's the little things that matter, i realized. The small things i used to take for granted. Things like opening the laptop, writing in my planner, fixing my bag, or soundtripping without worrying if someone might need me. Now, i can only do these things at someone else's expense, like now whily my hubby's looking after our son.

Thanks to this app that allows me to blog from my phone, i have access to the blog i almost forgot. maybe i can now post more often? We'll see.

Ciao. Master beckons.