Thank Goodness for my Own World :)

Sometimes it is easy to lose yourself in the real, crazy world.

I have been working since right out of college, I've always been around high-rise buildings and bosses and clients. There were always lunch-outs, dinner dates, Friday night gimmicks. Everyday was a new day, with new people to ride with in the shuttle, with new people to talk to on the phone, with new problems to face in the office, with new interactions with other people. These has been going on for the last (gasp!) 9 years of my life that I didn't know how to live otherwise. Amidst this all, I got married and had a baby. This new world combined with the world as I knew it were spinning their own circles and I had to keep up with both of them for a period of time. Until now.

One of those worlds had to stop spinning. Needless to say, the job had to go. Now I end up with a world totally different from the one I knew. Everything is a new and learning experience. I'm starting from scratch, learning the ropes of mommyhood from  no less than my own mother, plus books and internet on the side. My new boss is even more demanding than my former employers. As they say, there are no overtime pays, the working hours is 24/7, with no option for resignation. I love it, but then again, it is easy to lose yourself in this new world I have chosen to live in.

So then here comes my world. A world I seem to have only recently reclaimed. I'm not even sure if I had it before, but I have it now. It's a small world with a limited time frame (just whenever I'm free) when I can be myself and have choices and options that I don't normally have. There seems to be no time element, there are only good thoughts, good memories, good vibes. I can do what I want, I can feel what I want to feel, I can go wherever I wanna go, I can be whoever I wanna be, even a princess :) It's my refuge, it's my inner strength. Oftentimes it's my reason for smiling amidst the busy reality. It's in my mind, in my heart, and I can take it anywhere with me, anytime. Call it an active imagination, a parallel universe, an astral plane, or whatever.

I call it my Own World. This is ME.

Shortage of Happy Juice

I guess it's been going on for a while...just simmering beyond the surface. Little things that come up, that make me feel inadequate, uncertain, helpless and frustrated, spanning a wide range of aspects. Maybe I think too much, maybe I reflect on myself too much, maybe I analyze too much sometimes. I think I need a job, something or anything that would keep my mind working. Being a thinker has its downside sometimes -- if you have too much time to think, there are a LOT of things you think of and a lot of worries that cross your mind. Trivial things seem to be magnified because you have a think-all-u-can pass in your hands.

Of course I'm in the midst of mommyhood. It's physically demanding and taxing, yes. And I'm glad I get a lot of help with that part. Unfortunately I can't get help with the over-thinking part. I have to do it on my own. I have to try not to worry about things too much, to let go and leave them in God's hands. I have to accept the fact that I need to deal with some things by myself. I have to accept the fact that there are some things that I can only do so much with. I have to accept that there are people who cannot do anything beyond what they have already done, and you can't ask more from them. I have to accept that I have faults, and if people point them out I should not get discouraged or let that get into me.

Is this the career-woman-to-full-time-mom transition phase that other people are talking about? Partly, I think. My mind is craving for something to work on. A project. Something that has results. Because all I'm dealing with right now are tasks with intangible and uncertain endings. And I hate that. I hate uncertainty, I hate not being able to have some control over the possible outcome.  I hate having so much dependencies. I hate not earning on my own, not having my own identity. I'm not used to not having control over my time anymore.

But I don't hate my life. I love it and I know I am blessed. I just have issues, and who doesn't? It's a mark of normalcy, to have issues and have to deal with them.

Just a sec, I'll go get my independence back. And grab a gallon of happy juice on the way.

Clearly, Globe, Customer Service is NOT your Best Asset

Sometimes, even the widest range of cellphone services goes vamoose when you have crappy customer service.

My (new) line got redirected for the 2nd time because of low credit limit whatever. It's okay, I understand that. The first time I settled my payment, I got reconnected pretty easily. To think that I was in the middle of Makati while dictating the payment details to the hotline, I was reconnected within half an hour. Okay.

But this time, it's a different story. Cliffnote's version: I settled the whole amount yesterday and was told to wait 2 hours for reconnection. A couple of hours came and went without progress. Midnight I called their hotline and was told that as per their system, my line was already reconnected and that I should do this reset cycle thingie that involves putting my sim card into another phone so it can refresh. But still to no avail. Today, I had to call their hotline twice just so I could have a decent reply, FINALLY, from their customer rep. In my latest call this evening, after being put on hold for a couple of minutes, the customer rep finally had a new answer: that there was a "disalignment" in their system, that although their system logged that my line was already reconnected, the actual sms and call services where not provided.

Being from the IT field, I understand that. Sometimes, the system gives out a successful feedback but fails to do the job in the background. Sh!t happens, it's okay. My point is, why did it have to take 24 hours for them to see that?!?! Why did it have to take me 3 calls to their hotline just so someone could finally figure out what was wrong?!?! This time a request for the activation of the sms and call services were made, but again I was made to wait (gasp!) 24 effin' HOURS for the activation of the said services. That's 48hrs for something that usually takes less than a couple of hours to do. Why couldn't the earlier customer reps see what was wrong, so the request could have been made earlier and I didn't have to waste a day for something that wasn't even being resolved??????? So I sent an email to Globe. With this complaint plus more. So let's see what happens then.

Tsktsk. This is cramping my style. My cellphone activity has been generously hampered by delayed troubleshooting. Thanks Sun Cellular for being my unlikely savior. I owe you one.

Good Things Come in Small Packages

...So the cliche goes. And I agree.

If we learn to see the small things in life, we would recognize the little puzzles fitting together. Slowly but surely.
If we learn to see the brighter side, our resolve will not be hampered by things not going exactly as we want them to be.
If we learn to see the glass half full, then we'd acknowledge that there are good things everywhere.
If we learn to accept that everything happens in HIS time, then we learn to wait patiently for that time. No shortcuts.
If we learn to appreciate other people's predicament, we also learn to appreciate how lucky we are compared to them.
If we learn to see the small miracles everyday, we would always be thankful for everything.

But hey. I know good vibes are hard to keep up especially in times of frustrations and disappointments. We may generally be cheerful and positive persons but there will always come a time when our happy juice runs out. That's why we have our support system to run to. Our families, friends, our sounding board who'd try and make us see the other side of things. It may not always work in a snap, but at least we know we are not alone. And at the end of the day, there's always HIM to run to. He may not give us the answers we want, but He will always give us something to hold on to.

Just don't let go.

My Bucket List

Allow me to be selfish and create this post devoid of any social, marital nor financial status I may currently have, primarily because this bucket list includes wishes I've had waaay back.

This is a sequel to my previous post about the end of the world that made me think if I even HAD a list of things I wanna do in this lifetime. So I made one. Quite randomly. Warning: Not much analysis done. Here goes:

My Bucket List...

1. Drive my own car. Not an office car, not my either parent's car. Mine.
2. Drive my car on the highway going to someplace for an R&R... with my iPod blaring hiphop/RnB music.
3. Repeat mini-drift in MoA area. This time do it on purpose with longer skid marks.
4. Learn to drift on the multi-level parking.
5. Pimp my car.

(Okay at this point may I clarify that I have not yet even seen Fast 5. All these car and drifting fetishes of mine go years back. The boyish side of me resurfaces. Ok, moving forward....)

6. Continue Tae Kwon Do or learn another Martial Art
7. Continue swimming training.
8. Raise hell on the dancefloor.
9. Raise hell on the dancefloor with a kick-ass partner.
10. Party like there's no tomorrow (preferrably doing Nos. 8 & 9)

11. Kissing on the beach, under the stars.
12. Kissing during the sunset, either on the beach or overlooking the city.
13. Kissing in the rain (oh I got this from one of my girls hahaha)
14. Kissing a pretty girl. Hey, why not? No strings attached :)
15. Kissing in the middle of the woods. Haha.

(Before anybody reacts to these five items on kissing, lemme just reiterate that these include those from waaaay back. But, yeah, I guess they're still applicable. LOL)

16. Tour the Carribean, Bora-Bora, Amanpulo... Those exclusive, exotic tropical paradise islands.
17. Tour Europe.
18. Make snow angels, snowmen, ride the sled, ski the slopes.
19. Sunbathe in a yacht. Off the coast of wherever.
20. Picture perfect in the Eiffel Tower.

21. Live in a mansion, with maids and drivers and cooks. In plural form.
22. Live on the beach, in front of the sea, white sand.
23. Ride a Ducati. In a leather outfit. And capture the moment when I park it, take off my helmet, my hair tumbling down my shoulders and the guys around would think, "Hell, it's a f***ing girl in a f***ing Ducati!" Hahahaha.
24. Have a permanent dragon tattoo on my back. Or maybe a tribal form of my pseudoname.
25. Have a dance studio in my house.


I'm sure there are lots of other things on my bucket list. It may even turn out to be a truckload list. These are just off the top of my head.

I guess what I'm pointing at is that there are lots of things we all wanna do but can't -- because of financial, legal or personal matters. But what counts is that we try to make the most out of the things we CAN do and not let our limitations prevent us from living our lives and being happy, contented and blessed.

End of What?!?!

Okay, so I vaguely read somewhere or vaguely heard someone say May 21 was supposed to be the end of the world according to somebody. Hmmm. Too bad I wasn't informed.

Well, as it is already 1:21am, May 22, I guess it ain't the end yet. Not this time anyway. But what if I truly believed that it would be the end of the world? It got me thinking, what would I have done, assuming I learned it ahead of time? Hmmm....

Would I dare leave my son & parents' side? Would I fetch hubby from abroad and drag him back here? Would I go out and meet up with friends I wanna see and spend time with them? Would I tell everyone I'm sorry (for whatever I have done)? Would I let significant people know just how significant they are to me? Would I try to help everyone I could?

Would I have done the things I've always wanted to do? Would I have done the things I've always wanted to do but can't? Would I have done the things I've secretly been wanting to do? Would I do the things on my bucket list? Wait, do I have a bucket list? (note: make one)

So you see. It CANNOT be the end of the world yesterday. I don't even have the answers to all these questions yet! Sheesh.

Destiny or...Not?

I had an interesting conversation on the beach with a good friend who happens to have a different opinion about destiny. Destiny, according to him, is another word for not having a choice. He thinks that if something in your life is deemed "destined" to be, then no matter what you do, it will happen -- ergo, no choice.

He also said life always has choices. They may not be the choices you want, but they are choices just the same.

I agree with his take on choices. But the destiny part.... I guess the romantic in me would still want to believe in destiny.

I don't think it's about having no choice at all. My feeling is that the choices I make lead to different consequences along the way although ultimately, it's whatever God wants for me that will eventually happen. But because I don't know what that is until it does happen, then I wouldn't think I didn't have a choice, would I? The consequences of my actions along the way are the results of my choices, so I still have choices. Whew. Did that just feel like a merry-go-round or what.

Bottomline, I know I have choices, and I like to believe in destiny because that's what I call the things I cannot explain.