Shoulda Woulda Coulda

I am generally a positive person. If one asks me that famous question "What is your greatest regret in life?", I would say nothing major-major in my most beauty-pageant-esque manner. Nothing major, but I didn't say there was none at all. I do have a few shoulda-woulda-coulda moments that sometimes make me wonder, what if?

Should've danced (really danced) when I could (as in really could)
Should've travelled (really far like out of asia) while my money was still mine (as in just mine)
Should've entered law school (yep, really) while I had the chance (sucks that I lacked social science units because I had a techncal course)
Should've pursued that ethical hacking course (almost did) if only there was a chance I'd be working for Interpol (seriously, where would I use it here? Even the tuition for the course is in USD. Ergo, no Philippine market just yet.)
Should've tried being a part-time barista (missing my barista friends) while taking short courses in (insert name of rival school here. Sorry.)
Should've tried renting an apartment with friends (wait... I did) that is NOT for thesis purposes (oh. Right.)
.....and lots of other stuff buried in my subconscious.

But then again, if any of these happened especially for the long term, maybe I wouldn't be having the life I have right now.

I love my life -- for the most part (haha) so I guess that's enough to justify why these things didn't happen.

Trivial should'ves, wondering if I would've if I could've. Something to ponder on.

What goes up.... Doesn't stay there

It's called "gravity" in science. But sometimes it's just called "Life".

Have you ever noticed those times when everything is smooth and under your control, then a series of events happen the effs everything up? It's those times that I feel scared to be very happy again because I start to wonder what the consequence of it might be. But life's too short to be scared to be happy. Whatever the consequence is, it's gonna happen anyway. So might as well be happy, right? Well, easier said than done.

I'm generally a very positive person. But I also have off-days (when I'm hormonally imbalanced haha) when I find myself being realistic. What goes up doesn't stay there. There will always be pitfalls in life. Bumps that need to be endured, with bruises to show for it. But the important thing is how you live your life while you're up there. Do you go all YOLO and wild and free? Or do you live wisely, prepared in case you fall down? Similarly, how do you live when you're down there? Do you go down for the count or refuse to stop getting back up?

People who have experienced how it sucks to fall down appreciate the feeling of going back on top even more. It's sweeter. More meaningful. And when their road gets bumpy? They know how to deal with it, and things eventually return to normal. It's a cycle we all experience, some probably more often than others. We just have to pick up things to learn on the way, so we don't make the same mistakes again.

Through it all, what is important is a strong support system. One that keeps you grounded while you're up there and lifts you up -- may it be by the collar, by the hair, by the leg, or whatever means necessary -- while you're down there. 

Who's Counting?

"Don't count the things you have done for someone else; count the number of times you felt better simply because you made them smile."

Actually, if you love and care for someone, you shouldn't count at all. You just feel. You should relish the feeling that you were able to make that someone smile. Quit counting, measuring, comparing.... Because once you start, the mental tick marks will never go away.

My Restless Heart -- I Mean Hair

Going to a salon you or your friends have never tried (however known) can be quite scary. Yeah, I learned that yesterday.

To avoid the waiting lines at Bench Fix, I impulsively ventured to go to Regine's, having no idea what to expect from there.

But it was still with mild alarm that I realize that the woman shampooing me was not the usual my-age-shampoo-girl. She was older, like 40's. Okaaay so I started bracing myself for whoever was gonna cut my hair.

Seated on the chair, I looked in horror when another "nanay" type was pushing a cubby going to where I was seated. What even puzzled me was the big bag in the cubby. I was used to parlor cubbies to have trays for the scissors and stuff, not an overnight bag. And her first question made me panic a little,"Anong hairstyle mo? Bob cut?" which is something I've been having as a little kid. Which I absolutely did NOT want to have right now. So I tried to explain.

"Gusto ko po ung hindi mashdo maikli pero hndi conventional, ung hindi pantay pantay.... Ung parang korean." I was avoiding the use of the word "Layered" because I've been having that for a couple of years now. And so she said,

"Ah, so i-le-layered ko lng ung hair mo, pra mgka-body."

I was thinking, oh no. Layered nnmn ba style ko? So I said," Opo, pro hndi pantay." Then she proceeded to chop off my hair. I seriously doubted if she got what I meant, and I was honestly starting to think how much it would cost me to have another haircut in another salon, when I noticed that despite the seemingly haphazard way of chopping my hair off, it was actually turning out different from my usual layered looks. So I told her to leave one side long. I did this with Ystilo and the stylist said it won't look good. This time, nanay simply asked," San side mo gusto?" then I started to smile.

After the blow-dry and the finishing touches, the manangs and nanays there were staring at me like I was some crazy girl, but they did say it was nice. In the end, my nanay stylist actually GOT what I wanted probably because she simply DID what I wanted. Thanks, nanay. Other stylists have a mind of their own and would not heed to your request. And ironically, this is my most asymmetric hairstyle so far, done in the most unlikely type of salon by the most motherly stylist I have ever had. EPIC WIN.

Oh. And the best part:
Receptionist to my nanay stylist: "Ate, si mam kasunod ha." (points to the client after me)
My nanay stylist: "Cge. Ano, gusto ba nya ganituhin ko din cya?" (gesturing to my hurrdo)
Receptionist: (Surprised) "Naku hindi hindi. Conventional lang knya, hindi cya creation."

CREATION?! Haha!

2011: The Bipolar Year

From being buried deep into corporate-IT-world-politics to being isolated at home mommyhooding to being an OFW's wife.

From being "I am a document specialist and I have no life" to regaining my passion for dancing and being part of a dance studio.

From finding Twitter and FB a burden, to clinging onto them for dear life, as they are my only connection to the outside world.

From losing my mood to blog, to blogging more than 10 entries in a month (but due to my busy schedule, it hasn't happened again).

From changing my wardrobe one size bigger to changing back to my previous pre-wedding clothes.

From someone who can't get out of the house, to 7 days of loitering and mall-hopping in a foreign place.

From sleeping in a queen sized bed to sleeping in a playpen.

From dealing with loads of documents and files, to dealing with loads of laundry.

From reading a book in a day, to not even having the chance to open the plastic cover after months of buying one. (I'm sorry, Dan Brown. I'll get to read you someday. Just stay snug and sealed for the meantime.)

From moving in a corporate world, to drowning into mommy-world, to finding my own world.

Me as a career mom, Me as a mom, Me as ME.

Life Unexpected

This day was a day of unexpected happenings. Unexpected errands, unexpected events, unexpected dinner date, unexpected reasons to smile. Some created bad vibes but I'd like to focus on the good ones instead.

Spontaneity is one thing I couldn't afford, because of the people I have to answer to (a.k.a. my parents and my son). I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to experience that tonight, despite what I would have thought was a setback. It was fun to be free for a couple of hours, having ME time and shopping for myself (which I seldom do -- yes, for real) then having dinner and catching up with a dear girlfriend, reminiscing and talking about the past and the present, like two highschool girls on a slumber party. A very interesting and juicy slumber party. LOL.

Thank God for little reasons to smile at the end of the day.

Now I just have to find a way to sleep, after having a double trouble dose of caffeine courtesy of Serenitea's Chocolate Milk Tea drink.

Passion: The thin line between MAKE or BREAK

It is sometimes ironic that the very thing that could make you might also be the Achilles heel that could break you.

Passion in itself, IMO, is neither good nor bad. It is simply the presence of a strong emotion, desire, determination or drive. It is the "For what?", "With what?" and "Then what?" that determines its fate.

Passion for what? That's the premise. It could be for family and loved ones. It could be for a special someone. It could be for a certain skill, or a certain cause. It could be for a job or a dream or an ambition. With what? What do you do about it? I guess this is where the battle of good and evil starts. Do you express your passion through hard work or through cheating? (Do you work hard to cheat just to succeed?) Do you show it through caring or hurting? (Do you care so much that you would hurt another?) Classic and basic: Is is good or bad? Okay, maybe with some gray areas. Lastly, then what? Consequences. What happens next? Is it good or bad for you in the long run? Is it good or bad for the people around you? Again, classic and basic: it good or bad -- period?

The end does not always justify the means. The consequences, however good, does not cancel the wrong decisions made in order to achieve it. Sometimes things work out for the better, some for the worse. Sometimes you have to deal but all the time you have to kneel.

In the throes of fiery passion, when your heart and mind is consumed with loathing and hatred, logical thinking is quite understandably not (yet) an option. But once the flames die down and you find yourself just looking at the ashes, think -- or try to think -- if the consequences are worth it.

Passion is strong. It could make the impossible possible, the unreachable within arm's length, the dreams into reality. Passion is what drives us, what keeps us going, and what makes our lives worthwhile. However, passion for the wrong reasons do not lead to something good. Passion for the right reasons, on the other hand, however imperfect and improbable they may be, has a good chance of working out. Eventually.

Keep it in check. :)